Alcoholism

[Ponponpon]

I have a close family member who is an alcoholic in denial (and has been for as long as I can remember). I certainly won't be alone. I don't want sympathy, but I wanted to enquire about coping mechanisms.

My coping mechanisms have been to distance myself, not to deal with them when drunk - so perhaps matching their denial with my own!

Is anyone else willing to share?

 

[Gembo]

I have a close family member who is an alcoholic in denial (and has been for as long as I can remember). I certainly won't be alone. I don't want sympathy, but I wanted to enquire about coping mechanisms.

My coping mechanisms have been to distance myself, not to deal with them when drunk - so perhaps matching their denial with my own!

Is anyone else willing to share?

I have a fair bit of experience with this sadly. Usually I would say Al Anon is a great place to start but I think meetings are suspended due to covid but might be worth checking. There are books on amazon and lots of videos on youtube. I’m so sorry that you are going through this its very difficult. Remember you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Your coping mechanisms don’t sound wrong at all, they sound quite strong I think. It’s not easy to be around an alcoholic especially one that’s in denial x

 

[Wishwash]

I second joining a local Al-anon group. There's lots on zoom and they are beginning to open up their face to face meetings. There is also a group on Facebook. I have found them very supportive and working my Al anon "steps" has really helped me to cope with my husband's alcoholism. It sounds like your coping mechanisms are in line with the tools Al-anon uses so a good start

Good luck. Alcoholism is such a difficult and sad illness.

 

[Ponponpon]

I have a fair bit of experience with this sadly. Usually I would say Al Anon is a great place to start but I think meetings are suspended due to covid but might be worth checking. There are books on amazon and lots of videos on youtube. I’m so sorry that you are going through this its very difficult. Remember you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Your coping mechanisms don’t sound wrong at all, they sound quite strong I think. It’s not easy to be around an alcoholic especially one that’s in denial x

I second joining a local Al-anon group. There's lots on zoom and they are beginning to open up their face to face meetings. There is also a group on Facebook. I have found them very supportive and working my Al anon "steps" has really helped me to cope with my husband's alcoholism. It sounds like your coping mechanisms are in line with the tools Al-anon uses so a good start

Good luck. Alcoholism is such a difficult and sad illness.

Thanks both. I didn't even know Al Anon was a thing!

@Wishwash - I hope your husband's situation is different to my loved one

 

[Gym&Tonic]

I have a functioning alcoholic parent. Well I say functioning, they are not the cusp of becoming a non functioning one now. Totally in denial, gets very defensive and angry when challenged about it however on occasion will admit they drink too much make attempt to stop for a few days then fall off the wagon again. Ive lost count of the number times they’ve shown themselves up, they are an absolute bleeping embarrassment but I’ve had to detach myself because until they want to give up they can’t.

 

[NothingToHideDownAHole]

Would highly recommend One Year No Beer. They do 28,90 and 365 challenges. You could do the 28 together as a fun thing. It’s hard to get people to admit though, I sympathise with you. My stepdaughters lost their mum to alcoholism and it is devastating

 

[37BBL]

I have a sibling who is an alcoholic. Its the most horrendous thing I have ever been through. I would even say worse than when a close family member died.
She has completely ruined her life. Lost everything. Even that didn't make her change her ways though. She went to rehab and detox in December and came back in June. The 6 months she was away was bliss, I didn't have the constant worry that every time my phone rang it would be my parents saying something had happened. Or that she was kicking off at one of their houses.

When she came out it was mid lock down so I didn't see her. She started seeing us again about 4 weeks ago. It was okay, I am very weary. She has countless zoom meetings with her councellors, sponsor, group members etc every day. Last week I knew something was wrong with my mum, when I pressed her she said my sister had a blip and had a drink the week before. I have never had any faith that she will stay sober I'm afraid. I knew she would slip up. Apparently she knows it was wrong, she wanted to test the water and see if she could manage one. She is now on a back to basics with Al Anon and has to go back to square one.

I don't really cope with it. Ignorance is bliss for me, I don't speak with her and I only see her if I have to. In all honesty, I am waiting for the day that I get the call the worst has happened. There was a time I was willing that would happen. It sounds terrible I know, but she has ruined my parents lives for 2 years and cost them tens of thousands of pounds. I honestly think life would be easier without her. I have seen her in a complete mess, the only time I have really seen drunks is on a night out but she was something else.

All the people who live with and deal with alcoholics in their lives, I salute you. Its the most awful thing to cope with x

 

[Ponponpon]

I have a functioning alcoholic parent. Well I say functioning, they are not the cusp of becoming a non functioning one now. Totally in denial, gets very defensive and angry when challenged about it however on occasion will admit they drink too much make attempt to stop for a few days then fall off the wagon again. Ive lost count of the number times they’ve shown themselves up, they are an absolute bleeping embarrassment but I’ve had to detach myself because until they want to give up they can’t.

That sounds very familiar, minus the stopping for a few days. Mine's going through enforced quitting currently - in hospital. I googled the withdrawal from alcohol symptoms and all occured, though denial is rife and it's just dehydration not the alcohol. Sending love.

Would highly recommend One Year No Beer. They do 28,90 and 365 challenges. You could do the 28 together as a fun thing. It’s hard to get people to admit though, I sympathise with you. My stepdaughters lost their mum to alcoholism and it is devastating

I didn't know that was a thing either. She will blatantly lie and convinced herself she doesn't drink. There have been situations where she's replenished her drink several times in front of others and said it's the first drink (alcoholic or otherwise) since lunchtime.

I have a sibling who is an alcoholic. Its the most horrendous thing I have ever been through. I would even say worse than when a close family member died.
She has completely ruined her life. Lost everything. Even that didn't make her change her ways though. She went to rehab and detox in December and came back in June. The 6 months she was away was bliss, I didn't have the constant worry that every time my phone rang it would be my parents saying something had happened. Or that she was kicking off at one of their houses.

When she came out it was mid lock down so I didn't see her. She started seeing us again about 4 weeks ago. It was okay, I am very weary. She has countless zoom meetings with her councellors, sponsor, group members etc every day. Last week I knew something was wrong with my mum, when I pressed her she said my sister had a blip and had a drink the week before. I have never had any faith that she will stay sober I'm afraid. I knew she would slip up. Apparently she knows it was wrong, she wanted to test the water and see if she could manage one. She is now on a back to basics with Al Anon and has to go back to square one.

I don't really cope with it. Ignorance is bliss for me, I don't speak with her and I only see her if I have to. In all honesty, I am waiting for the day that I get the call the worst has happened. There was a time I was willing that would happen. It sounds terrible I know, but she has ruined my parents lives for 2 years and cost them tens of thousands of pounds. I honestly think life would be easier without her. I have seen her in a complete mess, the only time I have really seen drunks is on a night out but she was something else.

All the people who live with and deal with alcoholics in their lives, I salute you. Its the most awful thing to cope with x

Oh of that sounds so familiar too. Sending so much love. Do you mind if I ask if she drinks at home or out?

 

[Gembo]

That sounds very familiar, minus the stopping for a few days. Mine's going through enforced quitting currently - in hospital. I googled the withdrawal from alcohol symptoms and all occured, though denial is rife and it's just dehydration not the alcohol. Sending love.


I didn't know that was a thing either. She will blatantly lie and convinced herself she doesn't drink. There have been situations where she's replenished her drink several times in front of others and said it's the first drink (alcoholic or otherwise) since lunchtime.


Oh of that sounds so familiar too. Sending so much love. Do you mind if I ask if she drinks at home or out?

I wish alcoholics could see what it did to my mum. She ended up stuck in a bed on oxygen, soiling herself and required carers. All from drinking. And then she died and it wasn’t pleasant. I often looked at her thinking if people could see this it might stop them in their tracks

 

[Ponponpon]

I wish alcoholics could see what it did to my mum. She ended up stuck in a bed on oxygen, soiling herself and required carers. All from drinking. And then she died and it wasn’t pleasant. I often looked at her thinking if people could see this it might stop them in their tracks

Oh I'm so sorry Sending so many virtual hugs.

This thread is so sad.

 

[Gembo]

Oh I'm so sorry ❤ Sending so many virtual hugs.

This thread is so sad.

Thank you, it’s very fresh and recent for me and I’m having a hard time coping with it. My Nan died exactly the same way and I lived through that as she lived with us, that was in my teens. The people left behind are left with so much guilt and the desperate feeling there must have been more they could have done. I feel like the things I saw will haunt me forever. Anyway sorry a bit deep but I do know what you’re dealing with x

 

[Jugglegirl]

I have a close family member who is an alcoholic in denial (and has been for as long as I can remember). I certainly won't be alone. I don't want sympathy, but I wanted to enquire about coping mechanisms.

My coping mechanisms have been to distance myself, not to deal with them when drunk - so perhaps matching their denial with my own!

Is anyone else willing to share?

Have you tried Al Anon ? It’s for partners and family members of alcoholics - you’ll find support and people suffering just like you xxx

 

[Ponponpon]

Thank you, it’s very fresh and recent for me and I’m having a hard time coping with it. My Nan died exactly the same way and I lived through that as she lived with us, that was in my teens. The people left behind are left with so much guilt and the desperate feeling there must have been more they could have done. I feel like the things I saw will haunt me forever. Anyway sorry a bit deep but I do know what you’re dealing with x

Oh Gembo, I am so so so sorry. I hope you have support around, you'll have seen others mentioned Al Anon and Cruse offer some great services too. If you want to chat more via DM, please do message xx

 

[Gembo]

Oh Gembo, I am so so so sorry. I hope you have support around, you'll have seen others mentioned Al Anon and Cruse offer some great services too. If you want to chat more via DM, please do message xx

Thank you I do appreciate it, I’m luckily we’ll supported. I sincerely hope your family member can overcome it. But do make sure you take care of yourself too, it takes a toll. And likewise if you need to talk xxx

 

[37BBL]

That sounds very familiar, minus the stopping for a few days. Mine's going through enforced quitting currently - in hospital. I googled the withdrawal from alcohol symptoms and all occured, though denial is rife and it's just dehydration not the alcohol. Sending love.


I didn't know that was a thing either. She will blatantly lie and convinced herself she doesn't drink. There have been situations where she's replenished her drink several times in front of others and said it's the first drink (alcoholic or otherwise) since lunchtime.


Oh of that sounds so familiar too. Sending so much love. Do you mind if I ask if she drinks at home or out?

It was at home. She hid it for months and then when it peaked no-one could force her to see how bad things were. It took many tragic things happening before she decided to take things seriously. She always drank in the house, wasn't one to go out on the lash.

Its horrific and I feel for anyone in the situation. I find unless someone has direct experience then they tend to think you are overreacting about how much it affects everyone xx

Thank you, it’s very fresh and recent for me and I’m having a hard time coping with it. My Nan died exactly the same way and I lived through that as she lived with us, that was in my teens. The people left behind are left with so much guilt and the desperate feeling there must have been more they could have done. I feel like the things I saw will haunt me forever. Anyway sorry a bit deep but I do know what you’re dealing with x

I'm with you on that, the sights I have seen my sister in whilst drunk will never leave me. Equally the decisions she made whilst under the influence will never escape my mind.

I can’t imagine how hard things have been for you. X

 

[Ponponpon]

It was at home. She hid it for months and then when it peaked no-one could force her to see how bad things were. It took many tragic things happening before she decided to take things seriously. She always drank in the house, wasn't one to go out on the lash.

Its horrific and I feel for anyone in the situation. I find unless someone has direct experience then they tend to think you are overreacting about how much it affects everyone xx

Same as my situation. Everyone thinks it's only been after she lost her husband but it wasn't the case.

Completely agree with the last part too, and it's always "oh it's only a couple of drinks, let them enjoy themselves". I really hope your sister is still able to accept the help, it's so good to hear she's taken that brave step.

I really hope this thread hasn't triggered anyone.

 

[Justhereforthebants]

Hi, came across this thread earlier and swayed on whether I should post or not. My mum is an alcoholic, mainly functions well in day to day life...has a job etc. Many people would never guess she has the issues that she does. My Mum’s problems began in my early teens, my brother and I would find empty glasses and bottles hidden around the house. She could turn quite nasty and call us names, more or less ruined every Xmas. She got arrested for drink driving, lost her licence then a few years later got sacked from her job as she was under the influence. She has a new job where they know nothing of this.

I’m 30 now, married with young kids but it has a massive strain on me. She’s such a nice person when sober, I speak with her daily on the phone and Mon-Fri she’s fine. As soon as the weekend hits she’s drinking from early in the morning and sleeps all afternoon. This cycle repeats time and time again. She has made herself so unwell, to a point she has called me in tears thinking she’s going to die. I can’t trust her to babysit my children because she would drink. People always say I’m too nice and should cut her off but I just can’t do it. I fear that her body will only take so much before it packs in.
Love to all of you in similar positions .

 

[Bae56]

I have a close family member who is an alcoholic in denial (and has been for as long as I can remember). I certainly won't be alone. I don't want sympathy, but I wanted to enquire about coping mechanisms.

My coping mechanisms have been to distance myself, not to deal with them when drunk - so perhaps matching their denial with my own!

Is anyone else willing to share?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can imagine it would be a difficult situation if they're in denial.
It depends on how the addiction manifests itself & what your relationship is like. If the person is angry, difficult it would be much harder to be around to offer any sort of help.

My family member was lovely, gentle & caring no matter how drunk but the addiction was a complete dependency. It was really just a case of being there & making sure they were supported, try to give them some sort of happiness & normality under the circumstances. There was a constant lingering feeling of a clock ticking towards the end. We hoped one day there could be a chance of the life they deserved but the body can only cope with so much.

I don't have much advice other than to offer your help & support to them. Make sure you have support too, it's very stressful. I hope they can accept they have an addiction & get the help they need ❤ AA is a great support.

 

[Annie101]

I suggest you join Al-Anon, we have Zoom meetings on a daily basis, and Zoom meeting for beginners. Find a sponsor you trust for guidance and someone you can talk to someone that understands. My natural instinct when my husband drank and things got difficult at home was to not discuss it with anyone, his secret became mine. He stopped drinking but because he isn't working the program he is what you call a dry drunk. Luckily we don't have kids, but my friends and family do not know that i am married to an alcoholic - his shame became mine. I feel very isolated, fearful and stressed ALL the time. I am in Al-Anon but i do not reach out in bad times. I must admit that its the worst thing in life i am going through and will not wish it upon anyone. Luckily for me no physical abuse but the constant emotional abuse being with an alcoholic is breaking my heart and spirit every day. If i am honest i have thoughts about suicide because i do not have the strength and courage anymore, i am just tired. My self esteem went away, i am always doubting myself because he makes me believe i am the crazy one.

 

[Gembo]

I suggest you join Al-Anon, we have Zoom meetings on a daily basis, and Zoom meeting for beginners. Find a sponsor you trust for guidance and someone you can talk to someone that understands. My natural instinct when my husband drank and things got difficult at home was to not discuss it with anyone, his secret became mine. He stopped drinking but because he isn't working the program he is what you call a dry drunk. Luckily we don't have kids, but my friends and family do not know that i am married to an alcoholic - his shame became mine. I feel very isolated, fearful and stressed ALL the time. I am in Al-Anon but i do not reach out in bad times. I must admit that its the worst thing in life i am going through and will not wish it upon anyone. Luckily for me no physical abuse but the constant emotional abuse being with an alcoholic is breaking my heart and spirit every day. If i am honest i have thoughts about suicide because i do not have the strength and courage anymore, i am just tired. My self esteem went away, i am always doubting myself because he makes me believe i am the crazy one.

Oh Annie. It is not your shame. Your post is heartbreaking. Please reach out and talk to someone. I’m glad that you have posted here. Alcoholism tears lives apart, so many of them. I do know so much of how you feel. You are not the crazy one. I wish I knew more of what to say to help, just know that you are not alone x