Miscarriage/baby loss #2
- Thread starter Jaybob
- Start date
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I'm conscious that this is the first post, so I don't want to post anything grizzly right away, so....
How did anyone feel about telling other people?
I actually told quite a few people who are "in my life" and I was scared they would guess something was wrong with me or be upset if I cancelled plans etc. So I was honest right away. Even though I knew my chances of having a live baby were way less than 50%, I sort of wanted the whole world to know she was here, and existed, and mattered to me. Even when she was gone, it didn't hurt that badly to have to tell them because they were so lovely and supportive. It keeps her memory alive. My first (successful) pregnancy, I told absolutely no one and hid away at home. I even stayed upstairs whilst my friends came over and made my husband tell them I had flu
. Maybe I wanted to tell everyone because I subconsciously knew this was never going to work out well.
How did anyone feel about telling other people?
I actually told quite a few people who are "in my life" and I was scared they would guess something was wrong with me or be upset if I cancelled plans etc. So I was honest right away. Even though I knew my chances of having a live baby were way less than 50%, I sort of wanted the whole world to know she was here, and existed, and mattered to me. Even when she was gone, it didn't hurt that badly to have to tell them because they were so lovely and supportive. It keeps her memory alive. My first (successful) pregnancy, I told absolutely no one and hid away at home. I even stayed upstairs whilst my friends came over and made my husband tell them I had flu
. Maybe I wanted to tell everyone because I subconsciously knew this was never going to work out well.
Phil I Buster
VIP Member
I'm conscious that this is the first post, so I don't want to post anything grizzly right away, so....
How did anyone feel about telling other people?
I actually told quite a few people who are "in my life" and I was scared they would guess something was wrong with me or be upset if I cancelled plans etc. So I was honest right away. Even though I knew my chances of having a live baby were way less than 50%, I sort of wanted the whole world to know she was here, and existed, and mattered to me. Even when she was gone, it didn't hurt that badly to have to tell them because they were so lovely and supportive. It keeps her memory alive. My first (successful) pregnancy, I told absolutely no one and hid away at home. I even stayed upstairs whilst my friends came over and made my husband tell them I had flu
Telling people I’m pregnant? Never told anyone apart from my husband and my doctors. I’ve had five successive losses all at or before 12 weeks so never at the point of telling people publicly anyway.
Telling people I’ve miscarried? After loss 3 I started telling all and sundry. I’m probably too vocal now (!), but I’ve had a fair few people message me on socials and thank me because they felt less alone.
The only thing I worry about is people treating me with kid gloves when it comes to other pregnancies. Of course it’s hard hearing news from friends and family, but that’s life isn’t it. I would rather open up and talk about it so people understand what I find hard or why I pull back from certain things.
Keera
VIP Member
I didn’t (and still haven’t) told anyone - apart from partner obv - about my second loss.
I didn’t feel like dealing with everyone else’s emotions and grief over it. My in-laws cried incessantly over my first and i just did not have the emotional capacity at the time to cope with that.
Now it’s quite a few months later and happily, luckily, I’ve conceived again and so I haven’t felt the need to tell anyone about it. Although I think if I was having conversations with friends generally then I would be happy to share and discuss my experience.
if you have lots of supportive people around you then I think tell away - it’s nothing to be ashamed of or kept private if you don’t want to!
I didn’t feel like dealing with everyone else’s emotions and grief over it. My in-laws cried incessantly over my first and i just did not have the emotional capacity at the time to cope with that.
Now it’s quite a few months later and happily, luckily, I’ve conceived again and so I haven’t felt the need to tell anyone about it. Although I think if I was having conversations with friends generally then I would be happy to share and discuss my experience.
if you have lots of supportive people around you then I think tell away - it’s nothing to be ashamed of or kept private if you don’t want to!
I'm so sorry, I have a family member who was pregnant at the same time as me (my first child) they visited and had a "surprise" I surprised them back. That's when they told me about the five losses in between ☹ eventually the wife was diagnosed with blood clotting disorders and got treated. This summer she asked me if I was menopausal, I would have loved to send her a scan picture and tell her NO!! Quite the opposite. But equally, I think I might keep them in the dark about this as the husband is a bit more sensitive.
I completely understand about the kid gloves and extreme reactions. You don't need someone else's tit. I really wish you both the best ❤
Phil I Buster
VIP Member
I feel very strange that I've accepted it (maybe I'm just in the middle of complex grief) but I feel so grateful that I got pregnant in the first place (after 7 years no contraception - I'd given up really "trying" some years ago) I'm happy that I kept her safe and warm for her whole life, she had a heartbeat, she was real. I can now accept that she's gone due to my advanced maternal age and that it's probably best not to try again
Obviously my due date is going to be a complete tit show 
I'm trying my best to look on the positive side
We were traveling for a month when I found out about my first pregnancy and we wanted to tell everyone in person once we returned, which would make it around 7 weeks. Instead I miscarried two days before returning so we only had bad news to share which completely killed me. I hated going through it alone and only getting support in weeks after. So when I got pregnant again we told everyone immediately - our parents and best friends knew before 5 weeks and the rest of the friends before 7w. I figured if I was to go through it again I wanted all the support I couldn't get the first time.
Also even though my anxiety was pretty bad in the first few weeks it really got better around week 9. And I hated how everyone tried to "warn" me that I'll only be safe at 12 weeks when in reality the risk of MC starts dropping significantly after 6w and is 3% at 9 weeks and 1% at 12 weeks which to me already felt soooo much safer. It's never gonna be 0 and I just never put too much pressure on a 12 week mark.
And now when I'm talking about this pregnancy I usually always mention the previous too. I just want to acknowledge it existed and that I went through it. We all deal with it differently but I feel a lot of people still look at you weirdly if you don't follow "the norms" (waiting 12 weeks, talking about MC etc).
Also even though my anxiety was pretty bad in the first few weeks it really got better around week 9. And I hated how everyone tried to "warn" me that I'll only be safe at 12 weeks when in reality the risk of MC starts dropping significantly after 6w and is 3% at 9 weeks and 1% at 12 weeks which to me already felt soooo much safer. It's never gonna be 0 and I just never put too much pressure on a 12 week mark.
And now when I'm talking about this pregnancy I usually always mention the previous too. I just want to acknowledge it existed and that I went through it. We all deal with it differently but I feel a lot of people still look at you weirdly if you don't follow "the norms" (waiting 12 weeks, talking about MC etc).
My miscarriage risk was 53 - 80%!!! if I could have made it to 12 weeks, I would have had the same chance as a woman half my age. The baby stopped growing three weeks ago and finally decided to come out today. Unfortunately I've been on my own but at least my child didn't have to witness anything. I'm actually thankful it's all over as I was getting really worried. Hubby is on his way back now. Thanks for everyone's support 
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I'm so thrilled you are pregnant
Are you bleeping KIDDING ME??? My husband took our kid away for the weekend. He KNOWS I'm in the process of losing MY baby. I sent him messages, but didn't explicitly say outright that I'd lost the baby. I said something along the lines of "I'm in a lot of pain" ...... "When you get back I won't be in pain anymore". The first thing he did was start fussing over the bleeping ELECTRICITY (something has blown out and all I did was use extension cables to bring it from a different floor) that's all I was capable of. I didn't call anyone to fix it because I couldn't face it. He marched through the door, didn't bother to hug me, ask how I am, absolutely nothing.
Apparently, it's my fault because he didn't read the messages. Even though I told him to stop and read them. Then when I kicked off, he started to say "I think you're being over emotional"
duck you, you fat twit. Then in front of our 7 year old kid "WHEN DID THE BLEEDING STOP" STFU. I don't think my marriage will last much longer, and this is after having counselling where I asked him to stop being a selfish bleep. He's been in a traffic jam, boohoo, I just gave birth to a dead foetus by myself, you think you've had a bad day???
Sorry, had to rant
Apparently, it's my fault because he didn't read the messages. Even though I told him to stop and read them. Then when I kicked off, he started to say "I think you're being over emotional"
duck you, you fat twit. Then in front of our 7 year old kid "WHEN DID THE BLEEDING STOP" STFU. I don't think my marriage will last much longer, and this is after having counselling where I asked him to stop being a selfish bleep. He's been in a traffic jam, boohoo, I just gave birth to a dead foetus by myself, you think you've had a bad day??? Sorry, had to rant
Keera
VIP Member
Are you bleeping KIDDING ME??? My husband took our kid away for the weekend. He KNOWS I'm in the process of losing MY baby. I sent him messages, but didn't explicitly say outright that I'd lost the baby. I said something along the lines of "I'm in a lot of pain" ...... "When you get back I won't be in pain anymore". The first thing he did was start fussing over the bleeping ELECTRICITY (something has blown out and all I did was use extension cables to bring it from a different floor) that's all I was capable of. I didn't call anyone to fix it because I couldn't face it. He marched through the door, didn't bother to hug me, ask how I am, absolutely nothing.
Apparently, it's my fault because he didn't read the messages. Even though I told him to stop and read them. Then when I kicked off, he started to say "I think you're being over emotional"
Sorry, had to rant
im sorry you didn’t feel supported that’s so rubbish - I hope the worst of the physical pain is over now!
my partner was a bit rubbish through the actual miscarriage also I don’t think he really knew what to do or say, and he definitely didn’t understand or appreciate the emotional toll it took on me.
do you have anyone else you can lean on for a bit of support? Just to get you through this hard bit?
My gay friend is coming next week
We shall snuggle, watch Rivals and eat a lot of chocolate together
I'm getting over it a bit now, he's very sorry, and a computer nerd, so not great with emotions but it's just even basic manners to freaking ASK "how are you??"I’m so glad I’ve found this. At the beginning of this month we went for a private scan at 10 weeks at found out the baby had stopped growing and had no heartbeat probably from around 8 weeks. This was our first baby and I’ve never experienced heartbreak like it. Decided to do expect management for a couple of weeks and nothing happened so ended up having the surgery. Still bleeding now 8 days post op which is probably quite normal but still really difficult having that reminder.
I just don’t know how to carry on. I can’t work as I work in mental health and am in no place to support anyone else. Husband is able to try and move on and I just feel stuck and lost. Any advice would be massively appreciated
I just don’t know how to carry on. I can’t work as I work in mental health and am in no place to support anyone else. Husband is able to try and move on and I just feel stuck and lost. Any advice would be massively appreciated
Keera
VIP Member
im so sorry this happened
it took me about 2 months I think before I didn’t think about it continuously. The first week or so I was off work I cried every single day. I jumped straight back into trying again and was very frustrated it didn’t work right away which I think made me worse but now I think something was trying to tell me to slow down and sort my own feelings out first.
there’s no set time you should just “be over it” so give yourself some grace and just feel upset. My partner was also business as usual a lot sooner than me, which I think is natural but can make you feel so alone.
Miscarriage association and tommys have helplines that you can chat to someone, I’m not sure how useful they are or how that would suit you but there are lots of resources there to look at too.
time is a wonderful healer and I do sincerely promise that one day it won’t hurt as much as it does now
Phil I Buster
VIP Member
Firstly sending much love and glad you found us.
Be gentle with yourself, firstly. It’s a horribly cruel thing to go through and I know a lot of us here have helped one another even though we don’t know each other. The last thread is also worth a read if you think you can manage
Others will have perhaps practical steps but I wanted to say in regards to your husband: this was my experience until one day I snapped and asked why he didn’t seem bothered. He said he’d had to be strong for us both and was trying to navigate his own feelings while all the tests and sympathies from friends and family were directed at me as the losses had - physically - been mine. I think they handle it very differently and it’s not to say it’s not impacting them. Tommy’s actually had some useful resources for partners too which can be good conversation starters.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. So thankful to have found this but so sad that so many of us need it if that makes sense. I am taking my time reading through the last thread and find it really helpful. Just makes you feel less alone. Even people around me that I know mean well just keep upsetting me. My MIL was asking what I will do with babies ashes and I said I was thinking about putting them in a ring and she said well what if this happens again to you? I just thought it was unnecessary to even bring that idea up. And then I’ve got my mum putting our loss on social media when we haven’t done that ourselves. I just find it so disappointing.
I think you’re probably right about my husband. He did say that he isn’t going through the physical side of it like I am so he can’t possibly imagine how I feel. Good that he has that awareness. It’s no one’s fault but I’m jealous he can carry on, he can go to work and do his hobbies and I just feel stuck in time. Thank you for pointing me in the direction of self help, really appreciate it
Firstly, sorry to the other ladies who have posted recently that I haven’t replied / reacted to yet, I’m just catching up now
I couldn’t read this post and run though- I am so very sorry and know exactly how you feel because this happened to us in January. First baby, had the surgery too. Physically and mentally it’s a huge deal to recover from and you need that time off work. I felt the same about my husband too, we coped very differently. I fell to bits and couldn’t even face leaving the house, he wanted us to go out and see friends which made me have further setbacks when people were insensitive or dumped pregnancy announcements on us. I found my local NHS trust (in the end, it took a lot of searching) did specialist bereavement counselling and treatment and that did help. I also found comfort in a local charity that specialises in pregnancy loss and does support groups as well as a few friends who had been through it that totally validated my experience. It still hurts now and always will but time helped a little and setting boundaries and looking after myself / my wellbeing helped
I'm so sorry this happened, I was in exactly the same timeline boat as you. I can't have another baby as I'm 45 and therefore "functionally infertile" due to my age. That's a hard pill to swallow, but I'm not in the same actual boat as you as I already have a child and that's a massive source of comfort to me that you unfortunately don't have yet.
So maybe I can help with practical advice. I bought a little gift box from Sostrene Grene and a teddy bear for my baby. I have actually called it an "emotional support bear" I cuddle him, I had him with me during the actual miscarriage and I also hold him like I did my first child as I'll never get to hold this baby in my arms. When I'm ready, the bear and scan pictures will go in the memory box. I was brought up in a psychic house, so my baby can't go to the "spirit world" empty handed, she needs to have her own bear which will hopefully smell of her mum. I also did practical things like go to the market and bought myself a brownie, some flowers and pansies for my garden. I'm doing nice things for myself to cheer myself up the best I can. I was browsing the NHS website, I think they mentioned a miscarriage charity, you could contact them for help and support if you need it.
I've lost most members of my immediate family, the worst thing is shock and grief together which is what you're currently experiencing. It will take time to recover and feel yourself again. You can come here for support, there's always someone around. Today I really missed being pregnant, and I put my hands on my stomach and just felt empty (which is what I actually am
). I have found telling people and talking about my baby helpful, but everyone is different. thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I’m so sorry you relate to this awful situation. Your suggestions are really helpful, I think I would really benefit from talking to someone trained in this. I can’t say I don’t have support but people just don’t know what to say and I accept that and I know they can’t say anything. But I think I’d rather people admit they don’t know what to say then try and say something insensitive. My MIL said to me well in my day I wouldn’t have known about the pregnancy and just had a massive period. I found that so invalidating and so hard when I am questioning my own loss, am I being dramatic because it was early etc and then you get comments like that that are so unhelpful. Because we did know about our baby it was a very much planned for baby. Thank you so much again and sending so much love to you xx
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thank you for your message it means a lot to me. I’m so sorry for your loss too
I find the practical advice really helpful. I really struggled not having something ‘tangible’ to help with my grief, so I think that would really help. I do feel judgement from people around me, whether that is in my head or not. My MIL suggested I put all the ‘baby’ stuff away and I just wanted to scream at her. I don’t want to silence my grief to make other people more comfortable. I know everyone is different but I think I am similar to you in the way that I do want to talk about my baby I don’t want to pretend they didn’t happen but I do feel pressure from society I guess to just move on, you can try again! And that just doesn’t help. Thank you again for your message, sending you so much love. Sorry I’m not used to tattle so don’t know if I’m responding right! Xx---
I know everyone is different but for the people who went down the surgical route, how long did it take for you to stop bleeding and test negative please? Feel like I’m just frozen in time currently trying to grieve but also having constant physical reminders of what’s happened
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Amandaleigh
VIP Member
Glad I found this thread. I sadly had a miscarriage yesterday while I’m away in another country on vacation. I was 9 weeks yesterday. The cramps were really bad for a couple of hours and I was so scared. Feel very lucky that we already have one child. I am still trying to process this loss and honestly I don’t know if I could go through that again. I also feel horrendous guilt if I don’t give my little one a brother or sister. We had planned a pregnancy announcement and took photos on this vacation for it and now I can’t even look at the pictures.
Really feel for anyone else suffering a loss on this thread
Really feel for anyone else suffering a loss on this thread