Liz Jones #4 Why am I so miserable and can't get a shag? Is it because I smell and am a drunken old hag?

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witchofwestbyfleet

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Winning title by Mediastar. Condensed for length, full title is: "Why oh why am I so miserable and can't get a shag? Is it because I smell and am a drunken old hag?"

Recap: Liz claimed she was going to Australia, either to see her ailing sister and/or Nigel; so far, she still hasn't gone on the trip. She hinted at a romance with a new man, apparently a writer named David (why does that sound familiar?) who in no way did she make up. But funnily enough, it's been a while since we heard about the men in her life. Instead, she's been lamenting the ailments of her 14-year-old "puppies", and calling her family leeches in print. At least she still has Poo Cottage, which the new owner has agreed to continue renting to her. That's probably cheaper than the extensive renovations it'd need post-Liz. Unfortunately The Tortoise, AKA The Turtle's Head, is no more as nobody wants to publish it.

She is still PROFOUNDLY DEAF and has to lip-read so you can't wear a mask while talking to her. But she can hear fashion shows and snide conversations behind her back perfectly well. And remember she hates HRT and would never, ever put things in her body. Except alcohol (she's drinking again!), Botox, surgical scalpels, strangers' willies ...
 

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Mediastar said:
I am deeply moved to see my title picked for the thread... I am not worthy. Thank you.
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I have also just noticed that Tattle is describing me as a "well known member"... not sure if I should have a commemorative tee-shirt printed or call my Solicitor...
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Fabulous thread title!! 👏👏👏My first time posting on here but I did used to follow the Digital Spy thread for old Jonesey.
 
….also I have ranted previously on the old DS thread but it still pees me off … she is the worse kind of dog owner. I’ve loved (and trained) many dogs over my long life and I get so angry when I hear her boasting about her un-housetrained, bitey pack of ill mannered hounds. She wears it like a badge of honour and is not a responsible owner. Feel so sorry for those dogs.
 
Ship of Fools aka The Podcast

After about two minutes of SCREECHING their way through "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me" (warning if you're listening to this, your ears will bleed) Liz and Nic discuss George Michael. They've been watching a recent documentary, Outed, about George and the infamous indecency charges. The documentary referenced a tabloid journalist questioning why George would need to be in a public toilet so close to his house. Liz says "Maybe he was incontinent like me and Gracie!" Thanks, Liz. Nic pontificates about "we don't own celebrities, we don't have the right to comment on their private lives!" Maybe not, but if they choose to broadcast it everywhere, it's fair game for comment - looking at you, Jonesy.

Liz says she is the "biggest STAN" everrr and recites a list of male music idols she's been obsessed with over the years, but she never ever cared if they were gay or not. She thinks famous musicians should get an easier ride than the rest of us because "they're there for us at the most important moments of our lives! I buried my sister-in-law to Adele! The first dance at my wedding was to Stevie Wonder!" We have a video of my and my sister's third birthday party where Rolf Harris was played, I don't quite think that should get him off the sex offending but hey ho.

Liz did not win a "Podcast of the Year" award and is all espresso depresso. She has "gone down in the world" because she isn't going to be at the Oscars this year. Archive column is from 2003 when she wrote "My Oscars night with Elton, Brad, Scarlett, and Hollywood's aristocracy." The article itself mostly consists of Liz name-dropping celebrities and designer brands. There are references to "tit tape" and the Myla Thong. Yes! The infamous undergarment is over 20 years old! Liz describes Charlize Theron having won an Oscar for her role in Monster as "an ugly person who murders people." Who cares about the suffering of Aileen Wuornos anyway? Liz also claims that Renee Zellweger got her into drinking "flat organic rainwater."

After some babble about Married at First Sight Australia, Liz Liz-splains Tony Hancock and the "Blood Donor" sketch to Nic. It's another "troubled column" this week, Nic says they've both had many problems during the podcast's run. "I've had it harder than YOU!" Liz hastens to add. The column is "In Which I Feel I Can't Go On!" Liz is now having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy on the NHS. Liz lied about Gracie being an "emotional support dog" and was asked to prove it by putting her jacket on, Liz "jokes" about making a fake one for her. There's a reference to the EVIL MUMSNET TROLL who alleged Liz did coke at a party. Liz is not only DEAF but almost blind with stress!!! She "had" to turn down a lucrative Mail article that would likely have won her an award, for top-secret reasons she can't possibly go into on her podcast. r/thathappened

Liz was supposedly then told to join an online CBT group before she'd be allowed to have another in-person session. I don't know where Liz lives but in my experience (treated on the NHS for an eating disorder and other mental health problems) and my sister's (clinical psychologist), they normally allocate you a number of face to face sessions from the outset? Liz drones on about how she's "not over the events of 2007-8" and had no power for a day or something. She subsequently "self-medicated with four series of Virgin River on Netflix." She was reduced into going to Lidl to buy cheap wine and laments that the only cure for her mental health will be financial security. STOP bleeping SPENDING THEN

Letters: Nina from West London has had a revelation that her wrinkles are magically invisible to her when she is on Zoom. Liz uses this to launch into another pity party about how the school toilets terrified her because they had mirrors. Carly, like Liz, likes oily baths and doesn't like men or "feral children." Liz croons, "You are my twin!" Wasn't that Meghan? Or Marie Helvin? Or (etc.) They wish Carly's mum a happy 70th birthday and then realise a moment too late that she may not have wanted her exact age divulged. Too late! They're broadcasting it!
 
Hold very tight please! Ding ding! Top tip: save £££s on your electricity bill by burning £50 candles instead!!
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Hold very tight please! Ding ding!
 

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Thanks for the new thread and plodcast recap @witchofwestbyfleet and to @Mediastar for the title and this weeks dreary.

Oooft where to even start. I am getting really pissed off with this deafness crap, you are NOT DEAF it doesn't come and go and you wouldn't be able to hear any type of phonecall if you were, but as we know she has mentioned many phone calls before, without any hearing aids, where she had no trouble at all (the hotel, the rock star, ok so it wasn't true anyway, but she's not deaf) And of course she screeched into the answerphone, therefore implying that she got a message (that she heard) and phoned them back and was able to hear the outgoing message. stupid cow.

As for dragging an ancient incontinent collie to an NHS appt and lying about it being an emotional support dog, firstly that poor dog is in no condition to be getting taken everywhere, she's old and unwell, how stressful for the poor thing. and any type of support animal must have training to a certain level so that they won't cause a nuisance in a place where animals are not usually allowed. Incontinent dog is an absolute no no. She's in an NHS facility with a dog that pees everywhere..jeez that's disgusting, yet she claims to vacuum her fridge and calls people who don't, slatterns! Nevermind the tit and piss everywhere, including the bed, but apparently she dismantles her pepto bismal coloured smeg fridge to clean it every week. I very much doubt that from the photos we've seen of poo cottage, I don't think that place has seen a vacuum for a long time,

Lots more I can comment on, but have to go out for a bit, so will probably revisit later, but what a load of self pitying shite.
 
I do feel a bit sorry for her. I think she is genuinely in a rubbish place at the moment and, even though she's not a very likable person, I would not wish that on anyone. However, she is still the most deluded, entitled, self-obsessed fantasist-narcissist, and I don't think she has any real interest in getting to a more healthy place.
 
Belgian Bun said:
I do feel a bit sorry for her. I think she is genuinely in a rubbish place at the moment and, even though she's not a very likable person, I would not wish that on anyone. However, she is still the most deluded, entitled, self-obsessed fantasist-narcissist, and I don't think she has any real interest in getting to a more healthy place.
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I reckon you are a better person than I. I have nothing but disdain for the ghastly harpy and her stream of lies. I'll bet you a shiny shilling the story she was too traumatized to cover revolved around someone else's suffering that she planned to make all about herself. And which "bridge" do you cross to get from Yorkshire to Wales? And how does burning a £50 candle help with a £25 electricity bill? Nope, she's made her own stinking bed... it's only fair she 'lies' in it.
 
Mediastar said:
I reckon you are a better person than I. I have nothing but disdain for the ghastly harpy and her stream of lies. I'll bet you a shiny shilling the story she was too traumatized to cover revolved around someone else's suffering that she planned to make all about herself. And which "bridge" do you cross to get from Yorkshire to Wales? And how does burning a £50 candle help with a £25 electricity bill? Nope, she's made her own stinking bed... it's only fair she 'lies' in it.
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Totally agree, who can ever forget the joanna yeates piece? .. that had to be the gutter level for crappy "journalism"

And no I don't feel sorry for her: She could win £1million on the lottery tonight...for most people you are set for life. I guarantee that jug ears, would immediately go and pay over the odds for a property that she will continuously complain about..she will buy top of the range cars/holidays/clothes/other worthless tit and she would be skint and moaning again within 18 months...

I do agree that, if she is telling the truth about the feelings she has, in this weeks column, then yes, I do not wish to see a person in any type of distress, but throughout her diatribe it is everyone else who is at fault...never herself.
 
shushablay said:
Thanks for the new thread and plodcast recap @witchofwestbyfleet and to @Mediastar for the title and this weeks dreary.

Oooft where to even start. I am getting really pissed off with this deafness crap, you are NOT DEAF it doesn't come and go and you wouldn't be able to hear any type of phonecall if you were, but as we know she has mentioned many phone calls before, without any hearing aids, where she had no trouble at all (the hotel, the rock star, ok so it wasn't true anyway, but she's not deaf) And of course she screeched into the answerphone, therefore implying that she got a message (that she heard) and phoned them back and was able to hear the outgoing message. stupid cow.

As for dragging an ancient incontinent collie to an NHS appt and lying about it being an emotional support dog, firstly that poor dog is in no condition to be getting taken everywhere, she's old and unwell, how stressful for the poor thing. and any type of support animal must have training to a certain level so that they won't cause a nuisance in a place where animals are not usually allowed. Incontinent dog is an absolute no no. She's in an NHS facility with a dog that pees everywhere..jeez that's disgusting, yet she claims to vacuum her fridge and calls people who don't, slatterns! Nevermind the tit and piss everywhere, including the bed, but apparently she dismantles her pepto bismal coloured smeg fridge to clean it every week. I very much doubt that from the photos we've seen of poo cottage, I don't think that place has seen a vacuum for a long time,

Lots more I can comment on, but have to go out for a bit, so will probably revisit later, but what a load of self pitying shite.
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Yeah.. but is she actually in a NHS facility? The jury is out on that in my opinion. Her description of seeing a ‘Cognitive Behavioural Therapist’ straight off and last week a ‘Psychiatrist’( like gold dust at moment in UK).. it smells fishy to me.
She always elevates someone’s titles as it makes her feel more important? Who can forget Nic’s lofty moniker of ‘Equine Behaviourhal Therapist’😂. She worked in a call centre and was a part time jobbing groom!
If she’s been assessed, it’s probably by a psychiatric nurse and put online to hopefully get some tips. She won’t follow through because she’s a Narc and enjoys the abject moaning more than the cure.
Horrid snob about Lidl, lying about Wales and the offer of a job. It was probably already offered to someone else.
She states she’s a ‘risk’. Yeah she’s always been a risk to the sanity and well-being of other people. There is a trail of bodies of those she’s belittled, attacked, taken revenge on and put down. She’s spectacularly alone for a reason.
So I think she is in pain just now. Pigeons are coming home to roost ?🐦🐦🐦
Its also called ‘Narcissistic Collapse’.
 
What were the cataclysmic events in 2007/8?

Vacuuming her fridge like some 1950s domestic goddess? This doesn’t fit well with her shitting herself in an alfresco dining area and telling everybody in this column.

She does seem to be trying to get help, but her lack of money isn’t the issue. She worships money for all the wrong reasons. Most people would see being financially secure as a means of eliminating worry. She sees it as a means to buy more stuff, with designer labels.
 
"She "had" to turn down a lucrative Mail article that would likely have won her an award, for top-secret reasons she can't possibly go into on her podcast. r/thathappened"

Her explanation/excuse was that THE bridge into Wales was closed due to the weather. Apparently also so was every A, B & C road not to mention all the unclassifieds.
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House of Tea said:
What were the cataclysmic events in 2007/8?
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Her marriage to Nirps ended in 2007, and she moved to Exmoor.
 
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While we're at it (and because, though I have better things to do, I can't be arsed) she *is astoundingly lazy*. She writes a few hundred words of utter shite each week and 'employs' a gopher to sort out the dogs, horses etc. She lives in a tiny rental, so no DIY or maintenance required, she hoovers her fridge (presumably for show as she never eats) but lives with a hideously stained rug and pissy bed. She lies about her deafness, driving while 'blind', she always manages to see 'specialists', she reels off endless brands, makes and venues and then has to boil her kettle over a candle (or something). I am confident the Aussie trip was based around yet another family funeral that she wasn't invited to. She harks back 20 or 25 years to re-tell, for the hundredth time, anecdotes that were falsehoods the first time! 65 years of a life wholly wasted with nothing to show for it. Nothing. No family, no friends, just the prospect of decline and drinking herself into an early(ish) grave.
Who will turn up to see her miserable carcass dealt with, I wonder? At least they'll be able to share a cab.
 
She writes that she was shouting down the phone at the medical staff attempting to arrange her appointments, accusing them of ‘stressing’ her??
That’s not boding well.
Staff working in mental health services rightly expect patients to comply with treatment and participate in their own recovery.
She’s not going to do any reflection on her own behaviour and she’s already drinking again despite being prescribed a new drug.
Good Luck! folks with her doing any searching inventory of her faults or following CBT protocols.
I predict that they’ll cut her loose in a few weeks because they have so many really genuine ,vulnerable and ill people who are actually striving to get well.
She’ll then slag Mental Health Services off en-masse and offensively link her experiences to Nicola Bulley or something equally inappropriate.
She attempting to be the ‘Poster Child’(hag) for Mental Health because she’s got zilch all to write about… I think she’s now terrified of getting sacked?
 
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