Kate is slobbing across her tiny green sofa in her comedy glasses while watching Delo play hop scotch through the kitchen full of tit everywhere
THM: HONEST TO GOD I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE DADDY MMMMKAY
DELO: *Looks over but can’t be arsed answering*
MAX: SNIFF.. WHENS THE CLEANERS COMING BACK TO THIS tit TIP, I CANT FIND ME LEAD THAT YOU WEAR ROUND YA MUM TUM!!!!
THM: MAX AM NOT GOING FOR A RUN TODAY YOUVE HAD ENOUGH TREATS THIS WEEK OFF ME MMMKAY. LIKE DEM BROWNIES I GAVE YA MMKAY??? SO GO ON, UPSTAIRS OUT THE WAY MMMKAY
MAX: OK STEP MOMMA.
DELO: JUST NEED TO BOOK A FEW PANELLING JOBS IN THEN IM GONNA HAVE A PROTEIN SHAKE
OHD: *burps whilst sat in the car seat on the kitchen work top*
THM: AWW YE OK. IM FORCING MYSELF NOT TO CRY
OHD: YE, TAR *tries to unfold herself from her constant car seat position*
THM: DO WHAT YA WANT MATT, THE TROLLS WONT BEAT ME, MY INCOME IS FROM IG LETS FACE IT MY MAKE UP IS DATED AS duck MMMMKAY.
*THM’s phone rings*
THM: ELLO ITS KATE CEO BOSS BABE? IF YOUR A TROLL YOU NEED TO DM ME SO I HAVE PROOF TO POST ON MY IG - IF YOU WANT TO BOOK IN ON A COURSE YOU NEED TO DM ME SO I CAN POTENTIALLY MISS IT THINKING YOUR A TROLL
ANNA: BLOODY HELL KATE ITS ONLY ME.. JUST SEEING HOW YOU ARE GERL AFTER YESTERDAY WIV THE BIZZIES? I FEEL AMAZING BEING £500 UP THIS WEEK. MONEY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HAVING ANY MORALS I THINK.
THM: IYA, NO JOKE THE POLICE CAME MMKAY, THE MOON HAS CHANGED MY WEEKEND ANYWAY. I AM WOMAN. JUST GONNA MANIFEST OVER A BREW FOR THIS OLD GLOB OF GLUE TO COME OFF MY EYELASH *itches her hole though her pj’s*
ANNA: THAT WAS A ONE OFF MASTERCLASS WASNT IT AND IM GLAD I MADE SOME MONEY OFF IT. I LOVE SEEING NOTES IN MY PURSE. MUST ADMIT THAT GIN YOU GAVE ME WAS bleeping STRONG GERL *checks her bank account* I DROVE HOME WITH ONE EYE OPEN COULDN’T SEE ANYTHING BUT POUND SIGNS AND A POTENTIAL DUI.
THM: *smells her fingers* I DONT USUALLY DRINK THROUGH THE WEEK. ITS MINE AND MATTS ANNIVERSARY THIS WEEKEND WHICH MEANS EVERYONE WILL WORK OUT I HAD A 3 WEEK TURN AROUND BETWEEN OPENING OH DARLIN WIV PHILLY LONG FINGERS AND THE SHEETS STILL BEING WARM FOR DIY DADDY TO SLIP INTO ... MMKAY.
ANNA: WELL IT WAS AN EXPERIENCE WORKING WITH YOU, I WISH YOU WELL, I HAVE MY OWN TROLLING TO TAKE UP MY SPARE TIME TBH, AND IF YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR IG, PUT A FILTER ON.
THM puts the phone down and squelches off into the walk in wardrobe dragging the car seat behind her. She plops OHD on the island and turns her ring light on:
THM: JUST A BIT OF GLAM TO HELP ME FEEL BETTER OLIVE MMMKAY. HOW MANY LAYERS OF FOUNDATION THIS TIME? I THINK ILL GO WIV 12 MMMKAY.
OHD: *asleep*
DELO: WHATS THE PLAN THIS WEEKEND GERL? *shouting from the garage conversion covered in dust*
THM: *sat smearing foundation over her lips* MATT I DONT KNOW IF YOUVE NOTICED BUT I HAD THE POLICE RANG ON ME I CRIED INTO MEZ’S ARMS AND I JUST WANT A BIT OF SUPPORT MMMMKAY?????
DELO: AM GONNA GO THE “GYM” GERL WHILE YOU GET READY AND WE WILL GO FOR FOOD LATER YEAH?
THM: DONT FORGET TO TURN FIND MY FRIENDS ON YA PHONE BEFORE YA LEAVE THIS TIME MMKAY.
MAX: *sneaks into OHD’s room, spots the Teepee, looks over his shoulder and starts wiping his bum all over the inside of the Teepee, making sure he paid attention to the Chanel book in there*
DELO: OKAY KATE IM GOING NOW GERL, SEE YA LATER *legs it out the front door*
THM’s phone rings:
THM: *shouts after the door slams* HAVE YA TURNED YA FIND MY FRI- oh it’s Chez..
CHEZ: IYA BABE, JUST CHECKING IN ON YA AFTER SEEING YA VIDEO YESTERDAY ARE YA LEAVING IT UP ON YA GRID, I WOULDNT LET THEM WIN ITS JEALOUSY KATE.. *looks over at Brooke* - OH HANG ON A MIN FASHION QUEEN ILL PUT YA ON LOUD SPEAKER
*Cheryl runs over to Brooke who’s swinging off one of her curtains and joins in, biting down on the opposite curtain and starts swinging off it at the same time as Brooke*
THM: IYA CHEZ, *flashes her wide tongue out of her mouth really quick* I THINK I NEED TO GET IN CONTACT WITH THE MIND PT BECAUSE I AM LOSE THE PLOT, MORE AND MORE PEOPLE KEEP PICKING UP ON MY MISTAKES MMMMKAY. I CAN SEE WHY PEOPLE ARE JEALOUS OF ME CHEZ, I AM GETTING MY GLAM ON, MATTS AT THE GYM, OHD’s ASLEEP - YOU ARE 40 I STILL CANT BELIEVE IT - SO... YEAH.
CHEZ: SOZ BABE I’M A BIT OUT OF BREATH, IM GONNA HOOVER SOME LINES THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE, POSSIBLY WEAR MY duck OFF JUMPER AROUND OUR MOL AND GET TO WORK, AM GONNA GET A CURLY STRAIGHTENERS BARNET OFF THE BLOW KING IF HES IN.
THM: YEAH HES IN CHEZ, HE HAD HOLD OF OLIVE THAT TIME - ONLY FAMILY MMKAY.
CHEZ: IF YOUVE GOT IT FLAUNT IT. I ORDERED A SIZE SMALL IN MY LATEST CLOTHES HAUL IM SO CURVY - FASHION QUEEN!!
THM: I CANT BELIEVE YOU HAVE YOUR OWN STYLE MMKAY, WHY CANT YOU JUST LOOK A twit IN A SUPER LONG COAT LIKE ME, SO YEAH?
CHEZ: IVE GOTTA GO THE GYM, MAKE A PACKED LUNCH AND FUME OVER MARK NOT COMING IN ON TIME FROM WORK SO ILL TALK TO YA LATER
*THM puts the phone down and finishes her glam. She throws on the largest lounge set she can find that has been gifted so she doesn’t have to bother ironing it and jumps into her car with OHD and drives round to her Mam’s new flat*
MEZ: *answers the door* BLOOMING HELL ITS MY BALLOON FACED BABY GIRL!!!!! *whilst doing the bake the cake dance* OH HERE GIVE ME OLIVE. COME IN
THM: OH MUM I JUST FEEL LIKE I DUNNO WHAT WILL GET ME INTO A GOOD MOOD TODAY MMKAY. MATTS AT THE GYM, I MIGHT HAVE A LAZY DAY AND CATCH UP ON WHAT PHIL IS UP TO. HIS IG IS STILL ON PUBLIC
MEZ: I TYPED MUM BY ACCIDENT ON ONE OF HIS POSTS AND HE DELETED IT, BLOOMIN HELL *watches Olive try to undo her car seat harness*
THM: I DONT LIKE TALKIN ABAR MYSELF MMKAY BUT MUM I JUST NEED TO HEAR SOME NICE THING ABAR MYSELF. I AM HUMAN
OHD: *GARGLES IN FRUSTRATION*
THM: AWW YE OK?????? ARE YE 2 MONTHS OLD YET?
OHD: I WANNA GET OUT MOMMA. I WAS BORN ON THE 6TH SO NO.
THM: DONT START OLIVE MY MENTAL HEALTH IS HANGING ON BY A THREAD MMMMKAY.
MEZ: HEY, MY PLAY DOH NOSED PRINCESS, HAVE YA MANAGED TO GET A MINUTE TO WATCH ME ON BLOOMING FIRST DATES *starts to do the bake the cake dance again*
THM: MUM, IM TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW UPSET I AM, DONT MAKE ME NOT PAY YOU AGAIN IF THERES A SECOND LOCK DOWN MMMKAY. *looks down where she’s sat* WHY DO YOU HAVE THESE RANDOM JEANS HERE ON THE SOFA???
MEZ: OH IM SORRY MY SHOVEL TONGUED SENORITA. DO YOU WANT A CUP OF MALTED TEA? *finishes her bake the cake dance off with the splits*
Meryl sneaks off to the kitchen but diverts off to her bedroom where she has a guest sleeping, she shakes him slightly and asks does he want some tea
NAOMI’S DAD: *wakes up suddenly* I SAID YA BUY ONE - YA GET ONE FREEEEEEE
MEZ: SHHHH *puts her hand over his mouth* YOUR NOT IN WORK TODAY LOVE, MY BLOOMIN DAUGHTER IS HERE, DO YOU WANT SOME TEA?
NAOMI’s DAD: *whispers* SORRY *slides his cold calling clipboard back under the bed* YES I LIKE TEA JUST AS MUCH AS THE NEXT WINDOW SALESMAN, *starts line dancing on top of the bed* WHAT HAVE YA GOT????
MEZ: WELL, KATE HAS COME HERE AND MATT HAS GONE TO THE “GYM” BUT SHES BEEN IN TROUBLE WITH THE POLICE, THATS ALL THE TEA I HAVE AT THE MO.
NAOMI’S DAD: ILL MAKE SURE THAT GOES INTO THE WHATSAPP GROUP *taps his nose*
*Mez Cha Cha slides into the living room with some malted milk tea that she’s spilling all over the floor and slams it down next to her before picking OHD up out of the car seat*
MEZ: WHY IS SHE STILL HUNCHED OVER KATE? BLOOMIN HECK, MAYBE SHE WILL END UP WITH A MASSIVE BEAUTIFUL SLAB BACK LIKE YOU? HOW LOVELY!!
THM: *looks her mum up and down* YOUR ON THIN ICE MUM MMMKAY? SERIOUSLY I NEED SO MUCH SUPPORT I DONT KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE MENTALLY IF IT WASNT FOR OLIVE *spits her tea back into the mug and lets out a fart*
MEZ: OKAY WELL I AM IN OH DARLIN AT 12 SO YOU BEST BE GOING OR ILL BE LATE *glaring at the jeans on the sofa*
THM: DO YA WANT ME TO WAIT WITH YA AND DROP YA OFF MMKAY?
MEZ: NOOO ILL GET ME PUSH BIKE OUT MY BLOOMIN BULBOUS FINGERED BABA *brushes THM’s hair but realises she has another “hair mask” in and wipes the slime off her palm onto OHD’s head*
THM: NO ILL WAIT FOR YA MA. IM GONNA FEED OLIVE, YOU GO GET READY.. *whacks one of her tyre tits out and tries to smooth down her long nipples*
*Mez panicks wondering how she’s gonna get Naomi’s Dad out without THM seeing*
MEZ: LISTEN HUN YOU NEED TO GO NOW LAD, MY BLOOMIN ATTENTION SEEKING INTERFERING DAUGHTER WANTS TO GIVE ME A LIFT
NAOMI’s DAD: ALRIGHT WHERES ME PANTS *looks around the room and realises Mez ripped them off him last night in the living room*
MEZ: FUUUCK!
*Both Mez and Naomi’s Dad peak round the corner of the bedroom door looking at his jeans next to THM breastfeeding*
MEZ: *whispers* BLOOMIN HELL THAT MILK IS SQUIRTING ALL UP MY WALL
NAOMI’S DAD: *whispers back* MERYL DONT TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY SHES A BIG GERL YOUR DAUGHTER BUT MY GOD THOSE ARE TYRE TITS ARENT THEY. I BET ONE OF THOSE IS HEAVIER THAN ME PISSWET THROUGH
MEZ: ID SAY THEY WOULD BE YEAH, I NEED TO GET ME LIPPY ON, GO GET THEM JEANS*
*Naomi’s Dad army crawls out of the bedroom and behind the sofa. He reaches under the sofa and can grab one of the legs of his jeans. He pulls on it and hears THM shift and the sound of milk spraying*
THM: NEARLY FULL OLIVE? THAT’LL DO YOU NOW UNTIL YOUR BOTTLE TONIGHT, HOPE YOU SLEEP ALL DAY SO I CAN CONCENTRATE ON FEELIN SORRY FOR MYSELF MMMMMMKAY
*Naomi’s Dad decides he needs to scooch round the side of the sofa to get a good grip on the jeans so he shuffled along the floor*
THM: *puts leans down and puts OHD back into her car seat still with her tit hanging out of her top* THERE YA GO, YE OK?
OHD: *Milk drunk not giving a duck where she is*
Naomi’s Dad sees something dangling down at the side of the sofa and gets a firm grip on it, pulls and hears a large thud on the wood floor
THM: *screaming as she falls to the floor* ITS THE TROLLS!!!!!!!!
Naomi’s Dad stands up whilst THM is in a huge pile on the floor, picks his jeans up and dives out of the front door.
MEZ: AM READY FOR WORK NOW MY LOVELY GRABBING CHEAP SKATE KATE, LETS GET GOING HEY *sprays some Febreeze onto her crotch as she watches THM get up off the floor*
, its so weird
her foundation looks grey and grubby
