Jack Monroe #77 Further into the depths of culinary depravity

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Ex fire service control op here, I have the schematics for your premises and I’m studying them as i type. Hang on, I’m just triangulating now, brb, but while I’m locating you just get inside the bath, but for your own safety, don’t run the bath, don’t go in the bath with that electric blanket and plug it in ma’am.
Phew 😅 You’re safe now, I’ve just been commissioned to write a book based on fire hazards in the home, which is due out next year along with my other books, but if you’re still worried or cold did I mention I’ve written a book, whilst renting, about food? No? Well aff link etc above, I think it’s brilliant. Thanks for asking. Now duck off Im busy!
 
Tabitha D said:
Seems like we all forgot about that one. She never mentions it and barely promoted it when it was published either. Wonder what the sales figures were like?
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At a guess, have long assumed that sales figures aren’t *that* important. To say, she probably racks up modest but okay numbers for a chancer with a medium sized following. But it’s not as if she can be absolutely killing it on the numbers front, I mean which semi-articulate, objective thinking person actually wants to read Jack Monroe? So the strategy seems to be: sell as many different books to the loyal following you have, regardless of how good the book actually is, and we’ll be happy with the kudos for giving a book deal to a (adequately portrayed) poor, (sort of) single mum-lefty. And so on it goes..
 
Quick grunk before I get on with the mountains of work I need to get finished. I’ve spent so much time with the cabal this week, that I’ve become almost as work shy as our 20hr day firefighting saviour!

Jack, I’m double busy mate. Don’t do a chaos today, ok? Just sit tight and don’t attack anyone on Twitter, don’t get your unruly labia out, and don’t threaten the cabal with a fake police enquiry, got it? Just keep yourself to yourself and get your book written and I’ll try and be back.... before midnight?
 
Pocahontas said:
It’s me.


Depends if the ‘writer’ has delusions of grandeur.
‘Commissioned’ is more for television writing, no @Emmapism ?
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Indeed! Just catching up. We often talk about our execs at whatever channel we are delivering to as 'commissioners'. And that's who you pitch to when you're working in development.

I've got another three pages to get through but when Pocahontas asks you a question you answer 😉

ChickenPorridge said:
Wonder does Jack ever get through a singular day without mentioning

a) that she's autistic and/or ADHD
b) that she's ex fire service
c) an item she has but it's donkeys old/was a gift/is secondhand/was from a charity shop
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Ooooh ooooh! You know what we need? Jack bingo 😂
 
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Oofadoofa said:
At a guess, have long assumed that sales figures aren’t *that* important. To say, she probably racks up modest but okay numbers for a chancer with a medium sized following. But it’s not as if she can be absolutely killing it on the numbers front, I mean which semi-articulate, objective thinking person actually wants to read Jack Monroe? So the strategy seems to be: sell as many different books to the loyal following you have, regardless of how good the book actually is, and we’ll be happy with the kudos for giving a book deal to a (adequately portrayed) poor, (sort of) single mum-lefty. And so on it goes..
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Totally. It’s like those Insta mama books, everyone knows they’re not lighting the world on fire but if the publisher can forecast sales and cost the project accordingly then there’s money to be made, which is much needed in a declining industry?

Being published is an honour and I wouldn’t want to strip anyone of that, but you’ve got to be honest with yourself and look at what you’re actually putting out there. A novel - gorgeous well done babe! A compilation of slurry that rich aunties from Devon gift their posho nephews off to Durham, destined to never be opened much less engaged with? Oh sweetie I’m so sorry 🙁
 
Sorry I’m late but
6128B241-1651-4175-B53F-3457033BE863.jpeg
 
What Marcus Rashford has been doing is incredible and this is not mocking it in any way...

... But hooting to myself a bit at the idea that oor Jackie wrote this as yet another attempt to insert herself into his work 😂

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Joking aside, this is adorable ❤ - contrast with the letters that Jack posted the other week all praising HER.
 
Your not supposed to keep electric blankets on all night. When I had them growing up I put them on about two hours before we had to go to bed and we were all instructed to turn them off as we got into bed. If she leaves them on all night she's very frivolous for someone frightened of the electricity bill not too mention knows the dangers First hand of an electric blanket.
 
Lanie said:
Your not supposed to keep electric blankets on all night. When I had them growing up I put them on about two hours before we had to go to bed and we were all instructed to turn them off as we got into bed. If she leaves them on all night she's very frivolous for someone frightened of the electricity bill not too mention knows the dangers First hand of an electric blanket.
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It depends, over blankets can be left on all night, under blankets have to be turned off

Nb. Blanket auto corrected to blender! 😂
 
Not able to read all of the (no doubt) fantastic posts on this chemical rollercoaster of a forum, so please accept a 1000 complimentary 'likes' for all.

Have been BUSY stitching together a patchwork electric quilt in the background, using a 1/3rd of a courgette. Also did a deep dive into this ephemera.

Has as much meaning & purpose as a Smartprice Sausagna, but did notice the double standard that JM has following / interacting with parody accounts.




JM follows, replies to, and 'likes' comments from a Condoleezza Rice parody account. The 'Ruby' account is just woeful, but you can't have it both ways.

My patchwork of arrant nonsense (Yes, commissioned and available for pre-order soon) is completed by Congolesa and our favourite degree maverick.

 
SoulRebel said:
Well, despite being unable to conceal my excitement about what tomorrow's big photo shoot will reveal (summat with wigs and a pan I bet), I've tried to update our maverick wee lassie's self-confessed list of ailments. I used to try to keep it alphabetical - that says more about me than Jack - but it's getting hard to keep track and my ring binder is bulging now.

ADHD
Alcoholism (whilst claiming to be sole carer for a child)
Anaphyaxis
Anxiety
Arthritis (severe)
Asthma (severe)
Autism
Broke 46 or 47 bones in her foot (a human foot contains 26 bones)
Broken toe
BFRB
Concussion (severe)
Depression
Disfigured legs/port wine stains
Distended ribs
Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome
Fucked up lungs (death rattle)
Hair loss
Hay fever (severe)
Heart problems
Immunocompromised
Mouth ulcers and ouchy mouth (severe - the size of a 50p coin)
Panic attacks
Poor mental health
PTSD
Sexual abuse
Scarring
Sprained shoulder
Trauma
Unruly labia
Weakened knees (fell under a train)
Whiplash (severe)
Violence
Poor mental health


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Sorry to take the list from a fitting 33, but also to add - Anorexia
 
Montrachet said:
Not able to read all of the (no doubt) fantastic posts on this chemical rollercoaster of a forum, so please accept a 1000 complimentary 'likes' for all.

Have been BUSY stitching together a patchwork electric quilt in the background, using a 1/3rd of a courgette. Also did a deep dive into this ephemera.

Has as much meaning & purpose as a Smartprice Sausagna, but did notice the double standard that JM has following / interacting with parody accounts.




JM follows, replies to, and 'likes' comments from a Condoleezza Rice parody account. The 'Ruby' account is just woeful, but you can't have it both ways.

My patchwork of arrant nonsense (Yes, commissioned and available for pre-order soon) is completed by Congolesa and our favourite degree maverick.

Click to expand...


TBF Jude is a legit account, her name is just a pun.
 
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