Jack Monroe #538 Cyrano de Bergerjack

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DianeAbbotsMojito said:
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Screenshot lifted from the ever gorgeous @Valiofthedolls

See this photo? She looks utterly demented. Try with your own face to replicate her expression. Go on, try it. And only then will you truly understand the sheer effort and facial muscles involved.

Wanker.
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It's serving 'Overly Attached Girlfriend' realness.
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Now, imagine that, walking towards you seductively with a honking bowl full of Do Me Up The Arse Alphabetti (6½p) spelling out WiFe mE uP.
No wonder they all left.

Poor fuckers.
 
griftalo said:
By her own admission dessert isn’t her thing so I imagine she doesn’t do it for anyone, but I bet I know who she would do it better than anyway-without tasting it 🤣
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What the everloving duck? Braised onion with cheese spread ripped up toast
Followed by dismembered corpse in a pot (my Harold would probably run a mile if presented with that)

followed again by corpse - but underdone this time (I’d cry if I got this)
Sides of sweetcorn porridge? Devils balls and then the best and probably most palatable bit: broken muffin!
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Maybe she is into spirit cooking a là Marina Abramović
 
 
kachoochoo said:
a guest on four in a bed has guest's duvet cover and bonus shirt rail

hope he's marking them down for that

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That's chess BAE being held against his will in the bungamansion bedroom and being made to write a note to his Mum to say that he's safe and well. Just out of shot is guset with a plate of slop and threatening to "husband him up" .
You can see the desperation on his face.
 
Shimmering said:
Spoiler because OT

the chicken leg soup reminds me of my attempt at broccoli soup when i was a naive graduate at my first job. I had no notion how to cook as a spoilt Irish princess. I made "broccoli soup" and brought it in to work. I can still recall the fear and incomprehension on my colleagues' faces as i sat in the lunch room with a tupperware of what was essentially a stock cube in water with an entire broccoli, barely cooked, floating in it

A warning to Guest do not be stealing this as a recipe idea.
In fairness to me I learnt from my mistakes and developed into a decent cook, unlike guset.
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That’s remarkably similar to her “chicken soup” recipe. At least you added a stock cube to yours.
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ETA. Inspired by this author of multiple cookbooks, I’m off to make myself a lovely beef soup by boiling four steaks in salt and water for 3 hours. Yum.
 
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Valiofthedolls said:
One of her readers sent her a recipe for polenta with mushrooms
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So naturally that inspired her COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT
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To make
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THIS which is uncannily not identical to polenta topped with mushrooms.
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ETA She was inspired by TANZANIA on this one.
cookingonabootstrap.com

SISTER MARTHA’S CHICKEN SOUP

While in Tanzania, I visited last years winner of Oxfam’s Female Food Heroes competition: an Africa-wide search to celebrate female farmers and food producers who were making a difference to …
cookingonabootstrap.com cookingonabootstrap.com
as if those poor fuckers hadn’t had enough to deal with from her fawning and white saviouring it up all over them in person, she then goes and makes this monstrosity and blames it on them.

The top brown one is Jack’s version of “onion soup”. I’m putting it in a spoiler again cos it’s horrific
cookingonabootstrap.com

All-The-Alliums Soup – or onion and garlic, to you and me…

Serves 4 700g assorted onions – I managed to use up half a red one, a large white one, six straggly spring ones and a contender for the worlds smallest shallot, but any old onions will do, ev…
cookingonabootstrap.com
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I think she needs to learn that soup is liquid!
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Valiofthedolls said:
At least you added a stock cube to yours. The chicken soup didn’t even get that!
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ETA. Inspired by this author of multiple cookbooks, I’m off to make myself a lovely beef soup by boiling four steaks in salt and water for 3 hours. Yum.
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I’m gobsmacked. That’s a “recipe”?? That’s making stock.
 
Valiofthedolls said:
@Lazarus did you name yourself after this absolute delight?
View attachment 2410354 qOn the subject of usernames inspired by Jack’s feats of culinary greatness, every time I see @BlendedSlop or @RandomFishOils I painstakingly have a lovely little lol.
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I did not, dear heart, though I did make it for the Slopalong.
I called myself Lazarus as I had a previous account on here and 🍉 myself, I think, so deleted and brought myself back from the dead using a new, less 🍉 name.
 
Much like an embroidered soil pocket, I've done the new thread.

Jack Monroe #539 The devil works hard, but portrait mode works harder

Thread title by @WoolyMammoth nominated by both @HotesTilaire and @plentyofpepper you all get to enter your butch phase with 5kg of plaid shirts. In the last thread, Jack made her long-awaited return to Twitter to lap up some praise for her Greenbelt appearance which meant we were treated to...
tattle.life
 
Valiofthedolls said:
That’s remarkably similar to her “chicken soup” recipe. At least you added a stock cube to yours.
View attachment 2410560 q
ETA. Inspired by this author of multiple cookbooks, I’m off to make myself a lovely beef soup by boiling four steaks in salt and water for 3 hours. Yum.
Click to expand...
That Tanzanian chicken "soup" is a colonial hate crime.

Apart from the chicken + water + salt ingredients list, however, it does contain this immortal line: "You can adapt this soup to taste"

Well, Jack, "Mother Martha" might've been dirt poor but you should know that east Africa produces some fine cooking, melding influences from Asian spices originating from ancient spice trading routes along the coast and across the Indian ocean, and local ingredients. Chicken is often cooked with coconut milk, mixed into a delicately spiced pulao, or barbequed until crisp and delicious on coals. Tanzanians know how to use pepper, chilli, mixed masalas, vanilla, cinnamon and a huge range of veggies including okra, spinach, cassava, plantain, peppers, yams, bitter greens, millet, beans and more.

As in countries all over the world, people make the most of modest ingredients but this doesn't mean they eat bland nonsense unless they are very young, very old or very sick.

That entire east Africa junket was too terrible to revisit. It makes me so angry. Both at Oxfam for setting up and perpetuating celebrity poverty tourism and at guest for being so utterly clueless and offensive and coming home having clearly learned diddly squat.
 
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