Jack Monroe #282 Cumin: 2p, onions: 8p, fingernail dirt: priceless

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jenny2603 said:
🎵 The tax man's taken all my dough
And left me in my crappy bungalow
griftin' on a sunny afternoon
And I can't even wear my hat
He's taken everything I got
All I've got's this old pile of spoons🎵
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Save me, save me, save me from this squeeze
I've got a cabal of fraus, just owling and champagning at meeeee
And I love to live away from the Peasantry
With my Patreons so generously
Funding yet more eBay bids on spooooons
In Southend-on-Sea



My girlfriend ran off with her cash
Left me with just Coops and Dash
Denying my drunkenness and foolery
Now she's LEFT, I'm sitting here
Shaved my head and with Facetuned ears
All I've got's this rusting pile of spoons



Help me, help me, help me grift a-waaayyyy
I've had four fiancees, none of them wanted to stay
And I love to live so peasant-y
With my stuff, all luxury
Grifting with a sideboard full of spooo-ooons
In Southend-on-Sea
 
Silver Linings said:
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A treacle marinade? Really? Are you taking the piss? Oh my god, please, please stop cooking.

TheDragonWithAFlagon said:
Save me, save me, save me from this squeeze
I've got a cabal of fraus, just owling and champagning at meeeee
And I love to live away from the Peasantry
With my Patreons so generously
Funding yet more eBay bids on spooooons
In Southend-on-Sea



My girlfriend ran off with her cash
Left me with just Coops and Dash
Denying my drunkenness and foolery
Now she's LEFT, I'm sitting here
Shaved my head and with Facetuned ears
All I've got's this rusting pile of spoons



Help me, help me, help me grift a-waaayyyy
I've had four fiancees, none of them wanted to stay
And I love to live so peasant-y
With my stuff, all luxury
Grifting with a sideboard full of spooo-ooons
In Southend-on-Sea
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You are gifted 😁
 
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Silver Linings said:
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The face I make when nefarious characters use disorders and illnesses they may well have diagnosed themselves with as an excuse for not dealing with their responsibilities. Whilst many, many others with said disorders and illnesses battle each day not just to navigate life but to do things they find extremely difficult in order to ensure everything is in order.

#angrylenny

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Dear Jack,

I’ve thought about how I can help my least favourite smol pixie with my SKILLS (which are more valuable than grift casho). I’ve designed you a special mail merge template tweet which you can use to save oceans of your valuable time, hopefully enabling you to cut down your working week from 100 hours to less than ten, enabling you to get some rest.

PS this is my gift to you, so you can still say you’re doing it all by yourself

————————————————————-
Template tweet

I <<Did/Did not>> <<insert MERGE FIELD ONE here>> because <<insert MERGE FIELD TWO here>>
————————————————————
Here are some merge fields here to start you off; I’m sure fellow Fraus will add more for you, and you’re always welcome to deploy more

MERGE FIELD ONE
Pay my taxes
Start/finish the VBI
Finish my book
Pay my rent
Disclose or pay the rest of the Teemill monies
Cause an internet pile-on of <<insert additional merge field>>
Exploit people whose income is far lower than mine
Exaggerate my pov story/foodbank use
Usurp the place of someone far more knowledgeable than I to spout ill informed nonsense in print or on TV
Shut down any sort of dissent on my social media
Make everything all about me
Lie
Laugh up a lung
Buy more hats
Post a promised recipe


MERGE FIELD TWO
Puppy brain
crappy bungalow
Autism
PTSD
No forever home
Ouchy mouth
ADHD
Arthritis
Single parent
Former foodbank user
Feral children in my childhood home
Moved 25 times
SHE LEFT
Depression
My grandfather’s DEAD
I can’t swim
CPTSD
I can’t drive
Too many teeth
Recovering alcoholic
HELPING THE POORS
Stock cubes and Paxo
Everyone clapped
I RENT
34 pounds in bank
OH
fighting this fight for ten years
Accidental confronter of fears
Doing it ALL BY MYSELF
Living on crisps
Exhausted
Rent is 94% of my wage
Fell under a train
Other supermarkets are TOO FAR
 
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Dogmuck said:
Forensically keeps Asda receipts for a decade, uses Pythagorus daily, can work out 3p worth of salt, creates amazing 😬 spreadsheet for TT donations, stock-takes her cupboards weekly, reorganises rooms in her house quarterly, changes her crockery each season/festivity, transcribes the spring statement in her moleskin journal, challenges ONCs figures and creates (🤨) new Index, has months in rehab, 3 therapists on speed dial, meds for ailments, attends AA, has an ACCOUNTANT…yet when it comes to paying her taxes it’s just disorganisation, adhd, clinical depression - you could not make this tit up 🤦‍♀️
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Well you could, she just did
 
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