Jack Monroe #232 Griftmas time, rattle tin and whine

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Thank you Silver!

The space is all in darkness. Not a sound to disturb the contemplative mood.

Suddenly a single shaft of accidental sunlight beams in through the pink curtains of Eternal Youth to alight like an involuntary butterfly upon the cherubic face of Our Terry, resplendent in his sparkly plumage and new set of wings.

The congregation await, breathless in antici-




pation (that's one's for you, Frankie my Love)

Terry raises his shiny new halo and eyes to the skies and begins to sing.





Once in Southend’s Fake Pov City,
Stood a lowly Bungalow,
Where her Jackness made her gravy,
In the cooker that was slow
LJC was that 'curry' mild,
Jesus Christ her lies are wild.

She came down to earth from Aparthotel Heaven,
She, who's Gifted most of all.
And her shelter a Cotswold table,
And her sideboards were an'all
With the poor and mean and lowly,
Scampered on earth our Saviour Holy.

[the Brambly Mice Brass Band come in]

And our eyes at last shall see Her
Through Her own stew of rank selflove,
For that slopper dear and gentle
Misses LJC above;
And She leads her Squiggles on
To the place where Her laptop has gone.

Now in that poor, lowly bungalow
With the brambly mice stood by,
We shall see Her in John Lewis Heaven,
Laid on more Cotswold, hand on high,
When, like stars, Gifted Flowers-crowned
All in white black grey, shall wait around.


And - we're off! like the livers
 
AHEM...



O Griftmas Tree, O Griftmas Tree

How fake-pov is her Jackness?

O Griftmas Tree, O Griftmas Tree

She fell Ooft on her ass-ness

Oh Girl Called Jack, Oh Veganish,

Will you not just try one smol dish?

We’re sure they are all so tasty

O Griftmas Tree, O Griftmas Tree

How fake-pov is her Jackness



O Griftmas Tree, O Griftmas Tree

Of All The Jack’s which is most lovely?

Oh Is it lounging gal, or Art Attack?

Could it be arthritic Jack?

Don’t forget she’s a bit Vegan too

Which is why her recipes make you poo

O Griftmas Tree, O Griftmas Tree

How fake-pov is her Jackness



O Griftmas Tree, O Griftmas Tree

We pity your poor Squiggles

Why are they so obsessed with you?

When all you do is shake the tin

And they have to put your food in the bin

Because all the prunes have done them in,

O Griftmas Tree, O Griftmas Tree

How fake-pov is her Jackness
 
I’m really rubbish at making up whole songs but found a christmas lyric generator which is a good laugh:

www.song-lyrics-generator.org.uk

Christmas Song Lyrics Generator

Automatic Christmas Song generator tool. Choose some keywords and we will automatically create a Christmas song in seconds.
www.song-lyrics-generator.org.uk


here are the results:



Last Christmas, I gave you my cuttlefish ink
But the very next day, you crushed it
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to MOM

I'm dreaming of a spiritual Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the slow cookers glisten and glove birds listen
To hear fairytale of New York in the snow

You were smol
You were kind
Monarch of southend
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
The crowd were swinging
All the glove birds they were singing
You asked me to hoot
And then we did fizz

But then last Christmas, I gave you my cuttlefish ink
And the very next day, you crushed it
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to MOM instead

You're greedy goblin
You're liar
Happy Christmas to you
I pray God it's your last

Rockin' around the Christmas Marcus rashford
At the Christmas party hop,
Rockin' around the Christmas Marcus rashford,
Let the Christmas spirit ring,
Later I'll have some sticky brown poo
And me and MOM will fizz

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about Cotswold sideboards
I just want MOM for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true oh
All I want for Christmas is MOM

Oh, MOM yeah, oh MOM yeah
MOM the angel is a yummy, amusing soul
MOM the angel is a fairy tale they say

MOM baby, I want you and really that is all
I'll wait up for you, dear
MOM baby, won't you fizz with me tonight?
 
I've narrowed down the potential nativity scenes to two options.

1. The 90% vegan offering:

692099.jpg


2. This touching Henry Hoover display, for no particular reason:

ad_154044742.jpg
 
Slopbot our Father, you sent your representative full of slop and lies:

Forgive our failure to digest them.
LJC, have mercy
LJC have mercy

Slopbot,
Our Saviour, she was born in poverty and laid in a lowly landrover (blue):
forgive our greed and suspicion of her lies.
LJC have mercy
LJC have mercy

Spirit of salts, your servant Terry responded joyfully to your call:

forgive the hardness of her cakes.
LJC, have mercy
LJC have mercy
 
Feed the Squi-igs
Let them clear their fetid bowels
Just feed the Squi-igs
Let them know it's Griftmas time

Or for the more traditional squig

Oh come all ye Squiggles
Joyful and trump-umphant
Oh come ye oh come ye
In Sou-ow-thend

Come and adore her, born the Queen of grifting
Oh come ye oh come ye to South-ow-thend

Behold the scraggy bungalow
Full of pricey sideboards



Oh come ye oh come ye to South-ow-end
 
Last edited:
Thank you @Flash123 that generator website is amazing
Last Christmas, I gave you my slop
But the very next day, you she left
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to That Man

I'm dreaming of a bluesy Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the tax bill glisten and brambley mice listen
To hear fairytale of New York in the snow

You were funny
You were intelligent
Monarch of The High Street
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
The crowd were swinging
All the brambley mice they were singing
You asked me to talk
And then we did walk

But then last Christmas, I gave you my slop
And the very next day, you she left
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to That Man instead

You're patronising
You're interfering
Happy Christmas to you
I pray God it's your last

Rockin' around the Christmas griftmas tree
At the Christmas party hop,
Rockin' around the Christmas griftmas tree,
Let the Christmas spirit ring,
Later I'll have some sticky brown poo
And me and That Man will walk

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about Tracy emin
I just want That Man for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true oh
All I want for Christmas is That Man

Nigella baby, I want you and really that is all
I'll wait up for you, dear
Nigella baby, won't you walk with me tonight?

So here it is, bluesy Christmas
Everybody's here to talk
Look to the future now
It's only just begun

Simply having a bluesy Christmastime
Simply having a bluesy Christmastime
 
@Ninch

O come all ye squiggles
Joyful and triumphant
O come ye, o come ye to Southend-on Sea.
Come and behold her, born the queen of povchefs.

o come let us adore her
And fill up all her tip jars
O come let us adore he-e-er
ja-a-ack the poor.

@Jelly Bean

Away in a crappy bungalow
Smelly duvet on the bed
The little smol pixie
Laid down her muddled head

The squiggles on twitter
Were buying her shite
So little smol pixie
Scoffed curry in bed all night

@Knit one Pearl one

She dreams of her grifting
What more can she do
To ensure that her future
Is fully funded by you
 
Eternal Slopbot, who made this most holy night to shine with the brightness of your one Big Light:
Bring us, who have known the revelation of that light on earth, to see the radiance of your sentient mirror's glory;
through LJC our Lord,
who is in hiding and really doesn't need another scarf
in the unity of the Holy Alcohol Free Spirit, one Slopbot,
now and for ever

Anchoiade.
 
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