Jack Monroe #170 Outrageous grifting dirtbag

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traumatised sideboard said:
If she could just get consumed whole by a triffid that would be fantastic. I want to see a Jack-shaped lump comically slide down its gullet (do triffids have gullets?) like when a python inhales a deer.

@SweetTransvestite omg this must be how all the mancs felt when they realised they'd been going to the same entertainment venues. I was going to go to Pizza Express that day but I went home and ate pizza-flavoured tofu instead because it was going out of date imminently. Everyone else has such interesting anecdotes about their life and my anecdote is 'I nearly ate a pizza once'.
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Triffids don’t consume whole, they sting and then wait for the body to decompose. The probably have a gut full of acid of some sort, like a pitcher plant. So sorry but this is one of my favourite books and I have to geek at you. (I know they’re not real but the thought of Jack being chased by one is amusing)
 
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colouredlines said:
GARDEN JACK CHAOS ODDS:

* gets another splinter 1/2
* pricked by a rose 2/1
* nettle-related drama 2/1
* nettle-related drama followed by a nettle recipe 5/1
* nettle-related drama followed by the promise of a nettle recipe that never materialises 3/1
* stung by a bee, chaos ensues 3/1
* stung by a bee, develops deadly allergy 4/1
* chased by a swarm of bees and ends up getting hit by a car and having bee drama for the rest of her life 50/1 (Jameela Jamil got there first)
* stung by a bee, says "ouch" then laughs it off 50000000000/1
* feeds local wildlife something inappropriate 5/1
* hilariously mistakes a hose for a snake 6/1
* gets eaten by a venus fly trap 1000/1 (but a girl can dream...)
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4/1Stung by a bee develops deadly allergy.
 
Pocahontas said:
Triffids don’t consume whole, they sting and then wait for the body to decompose. The probably have a gut full of acid of some sort, like a pitcher plant. So sorry but this is one of my favourite books and I have to geek at you. (I know they’re not real but the thought of Jack being chased by one is amusing)
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Was reading this thinking “I thought they weren’t real?!” - was questioning my whole reality. Help.

Orphan_Black said:
bleeping hell, I'm actually wheezing with laughter!!!

(Jack! Borrow me your ECG thingy, I might be having a heart attack :ROFLMAO: )
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The three lead heart monitor please! The 12 lead is faaaaar too accurate!

edit 🥕
 
She should be bleeping ashamed of herself. She’s demonstrably done absolutely duck all but line her own pockets for this entire year.

My boyfriend has a stressful and often horrible job, yet every day over Christmas that he had off he came to a charity I volunteer with and did kitchen grunt work to make Christmas dinners to send out.

If Jack had done anything - anything - that didn’t raise her profile or an invoice, it’d be plastered all over her socials like those #gifted tins she offloaded to a foodbank with her name all over them.

The reification of pointless wankers like Jack is the entire reason we’re in such a mess. All the people who’re actually living it are too busy surviving to make money talking about it.
 
CabalofBolorneaise said:
What are the odds for her being chased by a swarm of bees in the style of Jameela Jamil?
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At this stage I wouldn’t be all that surprised if she claimed to have been stung by a swarm of Jameela Jamils

I love Suede (specifically Brett) from the olden days. No time for that “Film Star” song, 100% animal nitrate for me, with its dated “now you're over 21” reference
 
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