@HungarianViszla
Thank you for your lovely comment. I sometimes don't realize how hard I am on myself. It stems from my childhood, my Mom called me stupid all the time and there were other horrible words which created a lot of anxiety in me. It's a long story, my parents constantly arguing (tension in the house all the time) My Dad had a nervous breakdown when I was 5 years old and was hospitalized for 2 months. I thought he left or died because my Mom never said a word. In the early 60's people never spoke about anxiety and depression. Apparently my Dad had shock therapy. Looking back I really feel my Mom had bi polar disorder. She was scary at times and my brother and I were both afraid of her. My Mom died with dementia and my Dad died shortly after. It was a bad ending for both of them. I had a really hard time forgiving my Mom but after caring for her when she had dementia (bathing, feeding and changing her diapers) I noticed a shift inside me. I felt this over whelming feeling of compassion for her and finally my Mom and I were in a good place. She never apologized but she didn't have to because I forgave her. I always made sure my children felt wanted, loved and secure. All that hardship made me a better Mom because I decided ( through self awareness) to be better.