Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @OwlChampagne , nominating @NobblyBobbly ’s words for the title. You both win a slice or spoon of a dish of your choice from the last thread, washed down with @That Forensic Man ’s choppy egg.

Brava/o for all your efforts. Hardly surprising that none of Jack’s recipes aren’t up to much.

 

[That Forensic Man]

Not made the pizza yet but dropping the ingredients and costing before I lose the receipt.
I've never made dough let alone pizza dough so this should be a fair test.
Unfortunately I did not find any "super excellent" bargains, there was no cheap sugar in stock and no cheap wholemeal flour option, although my 'larder' came through for quite a few ingredients.

Unf*ckupable wholemeal pizza dough
120g wholemeal flour, 8p (95p/1.5kg) - actual 23p (£1.95/1kg)
120g plain flour, 5p (Basics, 55p/1.5kg) - actual 19p (£1.60/1kg)
5g dried active yeast, 2p (65p/125g) - actual 5p (£1.20/125g)
1/2 tsp salt (optional) - larder
1 tbsp oil (sunflower or vegetable oil) - larder (olive oil)

Serves 4 at 5p each - actual 12p each (we'll see if it actually serves 4)
Extras: rolling pin £1.75
Spent £6.50

Birthday pizza sauce
4 fat cloves of garlic or 6 smaller ones - larder
1 onion - 17p (£1.00/kg)
50g butter or 50ml oil, sunflower or groundnut - refrigerated larder
1 teaspoon fennel seeds - £1.00/36g pot
a fistful of flat-leaf parsley - £1.00/11g pot
1 tablespoon white wine vinegar - 95p/350ml
1 tablespoon sugar - £1.70/1kg
2 x 400g tins of chopped tomatoes - larder (2x 500g passata)
2 tablespoons tomato puree - larder
a generous pinch of salt - larder

Makes a very large jar (so hopefully it's edible)
Extras: Crushed chillies 85p/28g pot - these were for a different Jack sauce I was considering so bought in error
Spent £5.67

Total spent £12.17

Pudding
Viennetta chocolate yule log £1.65
For a moment I thought there was none in stock and I was going to do a heckin chaos but on closer inspection I'm just lying.

ETA forgot to mention but eggy cup was in tribute to @Notmycat for providing us with many copies of book recipes, chapeau!

Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe

I've also chucked a tenner to my local food bank

tattle.life

 

[House of Carbonara]

Not made the pizza yet but dropping the ingredients and costing before I lose the receipt.
I've never made dough let alone pizza dough so this should be a fair test.
Unfortunately I did not find any "super excellent" bargains, there was no cheap sugar in stock and no cheap wholemeal flour option, although my 'larder' came through for quite a few ingredients.

Unf*ckupable wholemeal pizza dough
120g wholemeal flour, 8p (95p/1.5kg) - actual 23p (£1.95/1kg)
120g plain flour, 5p (Basics, 55p/1.5kg) - actual 19p (£1.60/1kg)
5g dried active yeast, 2p (65p/125g) - actual 5p (£1.20/125g)
1/2 tsp salt (optional) - larder
1 tbsp oil (sunflower or vegetable oil) - larder (olive oil)

Serves 4 at 5p each - actual 12p each (we'll see if it actually serves 4)
Extras: rolling pin £1.75
Spent £6.50

Birthday pizza sauce
4 fat cloves of garlic or 6 smaller ones - larder
1 onion - 17p (£1.00/kg)
50g butter or 50ml oil, sunflower or groundnut - refrigerated larder
1 teaspoon fennel seeds - £1.00/36g pot
a fistful of flat-leaf parsley - £1.00/11g pot
1 tablespoon white wine vinegar - 95p/350ml
1 tablespoon sugar - £1.70/1kg
2 x 400g tins of chopped tomatoes - larder (2x 500g passata)
2 tablespoons tomato puree - larder
a generous pinch of salt - larder

Makes a very large jar (so hopefully it's edible)
Extras: Crushed chillies 85p/28g pot - these were for a different Jack sauce I was considering so bought in error
Spent £5.67

Total spent £12.17

View attachment 1710369 q
View attachment 1710368 q

Pudding
Viennetta chocolate yule log £1.65
For a moment I thought there was none in stock and I was going to do a heckin chaos but on closer inspection I'm just lying.

View attachment 1710370 q

ETA forgot to mention but eggy cup was in trubute to @Notmycat for providing us with many copies of book recipes, chapeau!

Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe

I've also chucked a tenner to my local food bank

tattle.life

240g of flour aren't going to feed 4 people. Just saying.

 

[Knit one Pearl one]

Ta Dah! The mangy salad-bag pesto.

Don't bother wasting good garlic on it. No flavour at all, although the peppery rocket tried its best. Bland, bland, bland. It's a 1 from me. Save yourselves, and just throw the salad away

Only ingredient I had to buy was the slimy salad for £1.50

 

[StatusWoe]

Only ingredient I had to buy was the slimy salad for £1.50

Was the salad as 'mild and tender' as promised?

 

[ContentCrunch]

@That Forensic Man if you like eggs sardines and spinach there are nicer things you can do with them. I give it a 2 and the cats concur.

 

[Geetbo]

The saddest thing about all these recipes is the photos of all the perfect nice ingredients lined up at the beginning. Three photos later and every single one looks like a cat's litter tray.

 

[WhyYouCry?]

The saddest thing about all these recipes is the photos of all the perfect nice ingredients lined up at the beginning. Three photos later and every single one looks like a cat's litter tray.

That’s so true. The original ingredients look so full of hope. So many nice things that they could become.

 

[Lazarus]

@That Forensic Man
Chopped up eggs:
First I started with the basic ingredients. I should say all of these were already in my possession, therefore the cost is free.

I then painstakingly popped the eggs into the pot, gently covered them in water and popped a lid on.

Yes it is a Smeg cooker, do you want me to STOP BREATHING?

eggs now hard boiled I pour the water away (this could also be saved. You could freeze it, defrost, reheat at a later date and use it for hot hot scrubby flannel face washes), before splashing a little cold water on them so that they’re easier to handle.

its at this point the meal starts to come together. I put the kettle on, get a teabag in my cup, and as the time comes to peel the eggs, I start to make my cuppa (Yorkshire Gold).

i pop a slice of toast into my Dualit toaster. As this appliance is now 7 years old I consider it to have paid for itself, therefore it is also free.
I gently, softly peel the first egg, and realise it’s too hot to handle. I move quickly, ensuring the egg is completely peeled before dropping it into the mug.

I then turn my attention to egg number two. On first picking this up, I realise it’s hotter than napalm and give it a quick blast under the tap as I’d like to go to work with my fingerprints intact.

toast has popped but I like my toast a little dry so I leave it in the toaster and go ahead and peel this egg.

ready to chop. You could do this in the blender if you were a psychopath but I prefer to chop by hand using a knife from my cutlery drawer. These are Dartington and are also free as I paid for them last year.

On achieving what I believe to be a good chopped egg consistency, I add salt and butter. I give it a good stir round, check if I need more salt (I did) and then proceed to butter the toast.

Now it comes to the tea. A sufficient time has passed and I’m able to remove the teabag, add the milk and assemble my dish.

you could eat this yourself, pass it to someone you love, as a silent acknowledgement of your adoration for them (which in my case doesn’t work as neither Mr Laz or Old Man Pupper Laz eat eggs).
There’s no leftovers to try and add to another dish, and life goes on as normal.

 

[Walkdengirl]

240g of flour aren't going to feed 4 people. Just saying.

I make pizza dough all the time, for the ooni I reckon on 250g of dough per person

 

[Valiofthedolls]

Does anyone want to tackle Mumma Jack’s BEST EVER Chilli?

Mumma Jacks Best Ever Chilli

This chilli is adapted from a beef chilli recipe by Gordon Ramsay. I simply left out the beef and halved the wine to make it cheaper – plus, of course, Mr Ramsay doesn’t use a tin of cheap baked be…

cookingonabootstrap.com

This is the Ramsey version she’s utterly bastardizing with her bizarre ideas of ingredients, “cooking” and her bean rinsing. Compare and contrast the cooking techniques!

GORDON RAMSAY RECIPES | gordon ramsay chilli con carne recipe

His comes together quickly, and starts with hot oil. You could leave out fresh tomatoes, sour cream and a couple of other things to make it cheaper without compromising on flavour too much.

I have to think that his might actually work out cheaper than hers as it’s more filling and would stretch a lot further. Oh and wouldn’t be a disgusting mess of soggy beans and undercooked onions with a slightest hint of cumin and paprika from the “shake” of both.

 

[Hold my beans]

I hope Jack's taking note of everyone's forensically clean kitchens, utensils and NAILS

 

[Smol Pixel]

Does anyone want to tackle Mumma Jack’s BEST EVER Chilli?

Mumma Jacks Best Ever Chilli

This chilli is adapted from a beef chilli recipe by Gordon Ramsay. I simply left out the beef and halved the wine to make it cheaper – plus, of course, Mr Ramsay doesn’t use a tin of cheap baked be…

cookingonabootstrap.com

This is the Ramsey version she’s utterly bastardizing with her bizarre ideas of ingredients, “cooking” and her bean rinsing. Compare and contrast the cooking techniques!

GORDON RAMSAY RECIPES | gordon ramsay chilli con carne recipe

His comes together quickly, and starts with hot oil. You could leave out fresh tomatoes, sour cream and a couple of other things to make it cheaper without compromising on flavour too much.

I have to think that his might actually work out cheaper than hers as it’s more filling and would stretch a lot further. Oh and wouldn’t be a disgusting mess of soggy beans and undercooked onions with a slightest hint of cumin and paprika from the “shake” of both.

What?? She boils the beans before adding them to the chilli? (After rinsing the sauce off, I mean, am I really surprised?)

 

[HaveTinCanRattle]

I hope Jack's taking note of everyone's forensically clean kitchens, utensils and NAILS

I was just thinking the same, dear heart. I actually found @Lazarus recipe to be very calming after Slop Sunday.

 

[Lazarus]

Does anyone want to tackle Mumma Jack’s BEST EVER Chilli?

Mumma Jacks Best Ever Chilli

This chilli is adapted from a beef chilli recipe by Gordon Ramsay. I simply left out the beef and halved the wine to make it cheaper – plus, of course, Mr Ramsay doesn’t use a tin of cheap baked be…

cookingonabootstrap.com

This is the Ramsey version she’s utterly bastardizing with her bizarre ideas of ingredients, “cooking” and her bean rinsing. Compare and contrast the cooking techniques!

GORDON RAMSAY RECIPES | gordon ramsay chilli con carne recipe

His comes together quickly, and starts with hot oil. You could leave out fresh tomatoes, sour cream and a couple of other things to make it cheaper without compromising on flavour too much.

I have to think that his might actually work out cheaper than hers as it’s more filling and would stretch a lot further. Oh and wouldn’t be a disgusting mess of soggy beans and undercooked onions with a slightest hint of cumin and paprika from the “shake” of both.

She looks like a Tory MP’s wife who has sent this saucy photo to a Labour candidate she’s having phone sex with.

 

[NellieBoo]

@That Forensic Man
Chopped up eggs:
First I started with the basic ingredients. I should say all of these were already in my possession, therefore the cost is free.
View attachment 1710782 q
I then painstakingly popped the eggs into the pot, gently covered them in water and popped a lid on.

View attachment 1710783 q
View attachment 1710784 q
Yes it is a Smeg cooker, do you want me to STOP BREATHING?
View attachment 1710785 q
eggs now hard boiled I pour the water away (this could also be saved. You could freeze it, defrost, reheat at a later date and use it for hot hot scrubby flannel face washes), before splashing a little cold water on them so that they’re easier to handle.
View attachment 1710788 q
its at this point the meal starts to come together. I put the kettle on, get a teabag in my cup, and as the time comes to peel the eggs, I start to make my cuppa (Yorkshire Gold).
View attachment 1710790 q
i pop a slice of toast into my Dualit toaster. As this appliance is now 7 years old I consider it to have paid for itself, therefore it is also free.
I gently, softly peel the first egg, and realise it’s too hot to handle. I move quickly, ensuring the egg is completely peeled before dropping it into the mug.
View attachment 1710792 q
I then turn my attention to egg number two. On first picking this up, I realise it’s hotter than napalm and give it a quick blast under the tap as I’d like to go to work with my fingerprints intact.
View attachment 1710794 q
toast has popped but I like my toast a little dry so I leave it in the toaster and go ahead and peel this egg.
View attachment 1710795 q
ready to chop. You could do this in the blender if you were a psychopath but I prefer to chop by hand using a knife from my cutlery drawer. These are Dartington and are also free as I paid for them last year.
View attachment 1710797 q
On achieving what I believe to be a good chopped egg consistency, I add salt and butter. I give it a good stir round, check if I need more salt (I did) and then proceed to butter the toast.
View attachment 1710799 q
Now it comes to the tea. A sufficient time has passed and I’m able to remove the teabag, add the milk and assemble my dish.
View attachment 1710801 q
View attachment 1710803 q

you could eat this yourself, pass it to someone you love, as a silent acknowledgement of your adoration for them (which in my case doesn’t work as neither Mr Laz or Old Man Pupper Laz eat eggs).
There’s no leftovers to try and add to another dish, and life goes on as normal.

Could you repost this at intervals during the thread, dearheart? I enjoyed it very much.

 

[WhyYouCry?]

@That Forensic Man
Chopped up eggs:
First I started with the basic ingredients. I should say all of these were already in my possession, therefore the cost is free.
View attachment 1710782 q
I then painstakingly popped the eggs into the pot, gently covered them in water and popped a lid on.

View attachment 1710783 q
View attachment 1710784 q
Yes it is a Smeg cooker, do you want me to STOP BREATHING?
View attachment 1710785 q
eggs now hard boiled I pour the water away (this could also be saved. You could freeze it, defrost, reheat at a later date and use it for hot hot scrubby flannel face washes), before splashing a little cold water on them so that they’re easier to handle.
View attachment 1710788 q
its at this point the meal starts to come together. I put the kettle on, get a teabag in my cup, and as the time comes to peel the eggs, I start to make my cuppa (Yorkshire Gold).
View attachment 1710790 q
i pop a slice of toast into my Dualit toaster. As this appliance is now 7 years old I consider it to have paid for itself, therefore it is also free.
I gently, softly peel the first egg, and realise it’s too hot to handle. I move quickly, ensuring the egg is completely peeled before dropping it into the mug.
View attachment 1710792 q
I then turn my attention to egg number two. On first picking this up, I realise it’s hotter than napalm and give it a quick blast under the tap as I’d like to go to work with my fingerprints intact.
View attachment 1710794 q
toast has popped but I like my toast a little dry so I leave it in the toaster and go ahead and peel this egg.
View attachment 1710795 q
ready to chop. You could do this in the blender if you were a psychopath but I prefer to chop by hand using a knife from my cutlery drawer. These are Dartington and are also free as I paid for them last year.
View attachment 1710797 q
On achieving what I believe to be a good chopped egg consistency, I add salt and butter. I give it a good stir round, check if I need more salt (I did) and then proceed to butter the toast.
View attachment 1710799 q
Now it comes to the tea. A sufficient time has passed and I’m able to remove the teabag, add the milk and assemble my dish.
View attachment 1710801 q
View attachment 1710803 q

you could eat this yourself, pass it to someone you love, as a silent acknowledgement of your adoration for them (which in my case doesn’t work as neither Mr Laz or Old Man Pupper Laz eat eggs).
There’s no leftovers to try and add to another dish, and life goes on as normal.

That looks delicious. I am going to have this for my breakfast this morning if I ever manage to get out from underneath the ill child who has been awake since 1am.

 

[NellieBoo]

Does anyone want to tackle Mumma Jack’s BEST EVER Chilli?

Mumma Jacks Best Ever Chilli

This chilli is adapted from a beef chilli recipe by Gordon Ramsay. I simply left out the beef and halved the wine to make it cheaper – plus, of course, Mr Ramsay doesn’t use a tin of cheap baked be…

cookingonabootstrap.com

This is the Ramsey version she’s utterly bastardizing with her bizarre ideas of ingredients, “cooking” and her bean rinsing. Compare and contrast the cooking techniques!

GORDON RAMSAY RECIPES | gordon ramsay chilli con carne recipe

His comes together quickly, and starts with hot oil. You could leave out fresh tomatoes, sour cream and a couple of other things to make it cheaper without compromising on flavour too much.

I have to think that his might actually work out cheaper than hers as it’s more filling and would stretch a lot further. Oh and wouldn’t be a disgusting mess of soggy beans and undercooked onions with a slightest hint of cumin and paprika from the “shake” of both.

There is no similarity between these two recipes at all. What's she on about? And why are most of her recipes a variation on rinsed and boiled beans, tinned tomatoes and a 'shake' or 'pinch' of something? It's depressing just reading them.

 

[PermanentEyeRolls]

This thread is both hilarious & utterly depressing.

I've never been a pay pig but I confess that I have bought 2 of her books - arguably the worst of the bunch, tin can cook & bad food for worse days. The only recipe I've ever tried of hers is the marmite bread which actually wasn't too bad - the only real issue was that it was super salty which looking at the slopalongs is a rarity in her food!

As a constant lurker I feel that I must offer myself as a sacrifice to acknowledge the sterling work of the fraus.

Has anyone signed up to hot nicoise? And what in the name of Fanny Craddock is Crabby Nora?!

 

[Magwitch]

Dear hearts, you are doing amazing work and I salute you.

As hilarious as the slopalong is, I too have become increasingly angry at the absurdity of these 'recipes'. I'm an ex publishing frau who has edited many cookery books (by people who can actually cook and write) and I'm beyond shocked at her publishers. I haven't worked in the industry for more than ten years, but I feel sure that things cannot have changed so much that they have let her get away with this. In my day, we never tested recipes (we didn't have the rescources and our authors were contractually obliged to test them themselves) BUT we sure as hell queried anything and everything that sounded even slightly off. The fact that such basic, obvious things like heating up the oil in the pan first have been missed is ridiculously incompetant.

Ninnies, may I softly, gently suggest that those of you who have attempted the slop consider contacting Bluebird with your results? Maybe minus the photos of the biro tats and lines of powder (as funny as they are, it would give them reason to dismiss our concerns) and with particular emphasis on the abysmal nutritional content, which is the worse thing about her grift. I have contemplated linking the threads in an email to them, but they wouldn't bother to grunk through them. It's too late, of course, for them to do anything about the already published nonsense, but it may help to sway them against commissioning another. It is worth a try, I feel, if any of you feel so inclined.

Bluebird is part of Pan Macmillan. Email is: [email protected]