Relationship after moving in

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T

tbo

Well-known member
Would love some advice on something please!

I’ve been with my partner for ten years, it’s always been a slow-paced relationship but in recent years I’ve been keen to progress along although the thought was never greatly reciprocated to the same extent and it was more so ah yeah soon now.

We moved in together recently (I moved into his home) and it’s anything but bliss! He seems to go out of his way to avoid spending any time at home with me and goes to bed hours after me. In recent days he’s in terrible form and all but ignoring me yet insists there’s nothing wrong (there obviously is but I can’t get him to talk).

All of this I’d imagine is not normal but is it something that could happen when someone is struggling with commitment/the future and maybe he needs a bit of time? I’m 38 so time is not on my side for kids etc. but this current set up is less than ideal and I nearly feel like a lodger more than anything. If it comes to it and things end it would be hard for sure and the thoughts of starting again are not nice!

I don’t even know what I am asking but any thoughts or advice welcome.
 
My GP sent me to counselling years ago when he thought I was depressed. At the time my then husband was playing havoc with my emotions. After just 20 minutes the counsellor stopped me talking and said ‘you’re not depressed, you just need to get divorced. Ignore the words your husband is saying and look at what his behaviour is telling you.’ I’ve lived by that advice ever since. (I did get divorced).
Your partner’s actions are telling you everything you need to know. You know this. You know what you need to do. Don’t let him steal any more of your life. ❤️
 
Thanks Angelchops, that is such a good piece of advice and is so relevant in my situation too. It’s easy to get swept along by the words and breadcrumbs but it’s the actions that I need to take heed of - it’s definitely where the main issues are.

I think I know deep down counselling is definitely on the horizon for me too.
 
tbo said:
Thanks Angelchops, that is such a good piece of advice and is so relevant in my situation too. It’s easy to get swept along by the words and breadcrumbs but it’s the actions that I need to take heed of - it’s definitely where the main issues are.

I think I know deep down counselling is definitely on the horizon for me too.
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Good luck with everything. I can absolutely recommend counselling (I’m a counsellor myself now), it’s great for clarifying your thoughts and feelings when life feels overwhelming. You’ve got this. 💪🏻xxx
 
Angelchops said:
My GP sent me to counselling years ago when he thought I was depressed. At the time my then husband was playing havoc with my emotions. After just 20 minutes the counsellor stopped me talking and said ‘you’re not depressed, you just need to get divorced. Ignore the words your husband is saying and look at what his behaviour is telling you.’ I’ve lived by that advice ever since. (I did get divorced).
Your partner’s actions are telling you everything you need to know. You know this. You know what you need to do. Don’t let him steal any more of your life. ❤
Click to expand...

Wow that is a great quote right there.

It would raise red flags to me at the current speed of the relationship. It's taken so long to get to this point and now you're there it is a bit meh. Id also be disappointed that he doesn't seem to be enjoying it but then again, are you?
 
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tbo said:
Would love some advice on something please!

I’ve been with my partner for ten years, it’s always been a slow-paced relationship but in recent years I’ve been keen to progress along although the thought was never greatly reciprocated to the same extent and it was more so ah yeah soon now.

We moved in together recently (I moved into his home) and it’s anything but bliss! He seems to go out of his way to avoid spending any time at home with me and goes to bed hours after me. In recent days he’s in terrible form and all but ignoring me yet insists there’s nothing wrong (there obviously is but I can’t get him to talk).

All of this I’d imagine is not normal but is it something that could happen when someone is struggling with commitment/the future and maybe he needs a bit of time? I’m 38 so time is not on my side for kids etc. but this current set up is less than ideal and I nearly feel like a lodger more than anything. If it comes to it and things end it would be hard for sure and the thoughts of starting again are not nice!

I don’t even know what I am asking but any thoughts or advice welcome.
Click to expand...
I just wanted to say that people fall into a trap of thinking because they have sunk costs e.g. time and effort into a relationship they should stay and try and ‘work’ for something that is clearly not working. It’s clear that you’ve been pushing to make this into something it’s not, now is the time to cut your losses and make your life something better that makes you happy and content.

It can feel scary starting again - I split up with a long term partner at Christmas when I was in my late 30s. It was the best thing I ever did. 5 years on I’m in a much happier relationship, we own a house together and our second child is arriving any time now! None of those things would have happened if I hadn’t have finally stood up for what I deserved.

Make a plan, move out and leave him for dust. Good luck!
 
That’s really sad and you must feel really disappointed with how things are. Do you want things to be like this forever? I’m guessing not so it’s better to do something about it than settle for misery.
 
Because you've been together for so long, he has become complacent. He is no longer on his best behavior, and trying hard like people do in new relationships. He is also still behaving as if he lives alone, rather than as part of a couple.
 
Thanks for the words of advice, it really does help.

@Kim Mild your last point has really struck me - that is EXACTLY what he is doing!! He is just continuing on as if he lives alone spending all his time at his parents house these days bar coming home at night and acting like I don’t exist, it’s like he is literally blocking me out and pretending I’m not there so he doesn’t have to consider me. What a bizarre man.

I’ll be going home to my parents house for a few days at Christmas so I’ll make a plan over the next few days but really this is the worst he’s ever been so something has to happen this time. I’ve a pit in my stomach, more anger than sadness though.
 
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