Hi Tattlers
So I had to take another 3 days off work faffing as I was feeling unwell. Reading all the amazing feedback obviously made me extremely lethargic. Tattle has diagnosed me with lieabetes, but they're wrong, again. It's been a success, a total sellout. Just don't check the basement toilet. Department stores are just going to have to listen to me now and stock it. Again thanks to BoJo for reopening stores in anticipation on my behalf. I do also appreciate that he is not allowing beauty and tanning salons to open up just yet, so more of my followers can buy Glóby (*Ad My Own Brand) to do at home tanning and become beautiful, flawless, empowered, basically me.
Anyway, I didn't fake tan for a whole 72 hours. I thought I'd give the ozone layer time off. Fortunately my days off coincided with the heatwave, but I didn't get a natural tan. It must be so shady here in my dream home in Buckinghamshire. Natural is so overrated anyway. I decided to vlog me reapplying 87 layers of fake tan. I had to make another 'how to' video for all the stoopies. I mean what's so hard about scrub, blob and buff?! I don't read instructions or anything in general for that matter, definitely not comments with meany words in, but one of you Tattlers informed St Tropez (*Ad Wish It Was My Own Brand) advises to leave the tan on for a maximum of 3 hours. Well that's not very sustainable is it? I'm here for a long time not a good time. One of you Tattlers also thought I was drunk. I'll remind you I drink responsibly, only on my days off, so roughly 5 times per week. Although fake tan does contain alcohol, so maybe I have skin poisoning from the 87 layers.
I like painting my skin, face, walls, stairs, dresses. More recently cardboard though. I really am that creative. Ken's soon to be back in the bungalow. When I realised all my audience isn't white and skinny like me, I realised I'd not been a very good person to black people. So he's agreed to allow me to smash his balls. Ali's have almost shrivelled, just like my sprootlings. I love collecting balls. I need to order a ball jar to go next to my scrunchie one. Talking of staff, Georgieboy has gone walk abouts. He wasn't up to the once in a lifetime opportunity clearly. Plus I kept catching him skiving in the closet with Ali. They told me you can get really good internet connection in there, but I tried it for yesterday's vlog and it didn't even work hence the late upload. I'm also aware all of you are saying Cawwie doesn't have much of a career being my #2, and I agree with you she is slacking as well, so I've added editing vlogs to her job description too. It's hardly taxing is it? She should be grateful she's getting to see my little peahead even more. She really needs to follow my flawless tanning facilitation though. She needs to stop trying to portray this English rose beauty thing. It's not a thing Cawwie. I'm livid she's trying to detract away from my rose bush garden.
So the courtyard lightwell whatever is nearly done. I got the limestone flooring for free. I love people who literally just let me walk all over them. Why do you think I married my hostage husband? I also tried to beg for a hot tub. Ali said no though. I'll just block and delete him. He obviously doesn't work as hard as me and need as much R&R. I had 2 whole appointments this week. A hot tub would be so multi-functional as well. It means I wouldn't have to ever shower again. Plus I could eat as much gluten pasta as I wanted and disguise my gluten tummy with all the bubbles. Anyway I should go now, it's been 17 minutes and I've not even fake tanned once in this time. I need to do another quick top up before I carry on with my busy day of deleting non-glóing comments, smelling basil leaves and opening more packages. Don't forget if you don't adore me or don't want to be me, then you can always unfollow. I'll just buy more bots.
Love Lydia (it's my name that's on that zip and if you don't like it I'll censorship)
quick update for those who are new etc....
