Tales of the heatwave..
Hottest week of the year. Surely this is the time for the Makeups to be spending all of their free time out of the house? In the
tit-riddled garden maybe? At the beach they live around the corner from? On 1000km runs along the front because they’re the buffest and healthiest family that ever did live? On a family bike ride through Delamere with young Miss Makeup being thrashed about like a lost 20 pence piece in a tumble dryer in the trailer behind? What? They haven’t left the house at all? Has Covid finally caught up with the Wirral’s number one Covid-Denier? Has she spent all of her money on visiting the San Antonio Sex Pest? Or has the pile of crap in the pantry fallen and blocked their exit route?
After showing us that she was the body model for Gru in Despicable Me last week, we had another pointless belly slapping, thumb lifting body positivity post with a garbled message telling us that it was Monday (thanks, Kate, I would never have known without your help), we should not go on a diet and hate ourselves, and it’s all about balance (which in Kate’s life means a 2 mile run every other week and eating out for free most nights). A lovely message, Kate, and one that would mean something if it hadn’t been preceded by a picture that was either filtered or had the dodgiest panelling known to man in the background, and was then followed by a series of stories where she was pulling her hair back so tightly to eliminate her chins that she had a hairline to rival Alan Shearer’s.
Olive has featured heavily this week - engagement getting low again, eh, Kate? Despite telling the mum police that it’s absofulcklutely ok to drag a baby to the extreme heat of Dubai and Ibiza before the age of 1, it’s suddenly too hot for Baby Bespoke. To combat this, Big Momma of the Century has applied a range of parenting techniques that literally no one else on the planet would try (mainly because they’re ridiculous and/or dangerous) including putting a bottle of water in her cot overnight, putting ice cubes in her milk and dressing her in denim - no tights for Olive when it’s minus 2, but 30 degree heat? Denim it is. She did however take her into the ‘coolest room in the house’ for a photo opportunity. The coolest room in her house is not an air conditioned wonderland though, it’s her living room corridor that used to be a garage so will obviously be cool because Diddy Delo couldn’t figure out how to panel a room into double brick.
More mum tips that no one in their right mind would use as we saw her use her Wreck it Ralph hands to put moisturiser in her kid’s hair. Hardly surprising that she’s done this as this is the woman who put washing machine cleaner in her dishwasher, crease release on her kitchen floor, and uses 146 layers of concealer and foundation during a ‘fresh and quick summer makeup’ tutorial in a heatwave. Other Olive news includes her now having ‘nearly 5 teeth’ or 4 teeth as those who can actually count know it as, and she’s almost ‘feral’ because she’s tried to grab the phone a few times and then ‘shat’ on the carpet. Bit tight of Kate to expose it all over Instagram but what’s your daughter’s privacy compared to a bit of engagement and a few likes, eh Kate?
Begging for the carseat’s birthday party has continued and she’s involved her brother now too. Nothing but the best for Baby Bespoke and the Carseat. Unless it means actually paying for it and then any old hay bale, light up numbers, miniature pony, and drip cake will do.
Finally, we got a sneak peek at what she looks like dressed up like a cross between a Model T Ford and Whistler’s Mother (credit to
@wiganuser for that one) at the funeral of Victorian royalty. A truly magnificent sight to behold..
As always, Read the Wiki..
don't forget to make them beds 
Brilliant. Live for these recaps.
In fact all these Instagram 'Mummaz' need to duck off with their breast pumps and sanny pads stuffed down their netty knickers! Oh and the 5 am crying shots. Just duck off and go to sleep ( yes Im talking to you Kate Lawler). Morning trolls. as you can see im in another foul mood so im going to fling myself in the med and pick a fight with a jellyfish cos Im feeling extra aggy today. Have a lovely Friday!
