Jack Monroe The Sloppies 2024

1
People-huv-tae-know

People-huv-tae-know

VIP Member
Canal elves, it's that festive time of year when we gather to celebrate holy Slopmas. Holy as in crumpet holes manufactured by chop sticks. But, before we can celebrate with lashings of slop, we must pay tribute to our overlord the Pumble by delving through the past year's Guest antics and recording them here. This will allow the Great Pumble to make a list of who has been naughty and who has been nice. Naughty Canal elves will be forced to read guest tweets for all eternity. Nice Canal elves will be gifted with homemade dresses held together with safety pins and bath salts that are made with table salt.
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1.The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance”

2. The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor”

3. The Full Moon award for “best chaos”

4.The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively harmful advice”

5. The Facetune Award for “selfie of the year”

6. The Mission Inn Star Award for “best slop”

7. The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie”

8. Missed Deadline Award for “most urgent item on Kacha's list” see posts by @kachoochoo for the full list in all it's fear and awe inspiring length

9. Out of the Canal and into the streets, those tenacious fraus who have had real life dealings with guest in the wild.

10. Silver Poca Plate - Honorary Frau of the year.

11. Least due diligence more fool you - Brand collaborators ought to know by now that she is a grifter.

12 Humilating Traazers - most ridiculous outfit or item of clothing that guest has worn this year.


Please feel free to suggest other categories, edits or anything else you like. When I've had enough nominations I'll work on the Sloppies proper.
 
1.The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance” - The FareShare video

2. The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor” - £156k on a flat with a short lease

3. The Full Moon award for “best chaos” - When her Patreon was hacked by a stalker and she totes did not watch Baby Reindeer

4.The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively harmful advice” - If someone's parked on your drive get four strong mates to help you lift the car

5. The Facetune Award for “selfie of the year” - Hand magnified to the size of her face

6. The Mission Inn Star Award for “best slop” - Pasta that's been sitting in tepid water for hours

7. The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie” - Needs to buy a burner phone to do research for her crime novel because her google searches are so extreme the cops will come knocking. Hacker took over all her accounts including her Patreon. Accidentally ate dog biscuits

8. Missed Deadline Award for “most urgent item on Kacha's list” see posts by @kachoochoo for the full list in all it's fear and awe inspiring length - STILL the VBI. Also the me-me-memoir

10. Silver Poca Plate - Honorary Frau of the year. - Carp Man

11. Least due diligence more fool you - Brand collaborators ought to know by now that she is a grifter. - FareShare is the only one this year I think! She's that toxic! :)

12 Humilating Traazers - most ridiculous outfit or item of clothing that guest has worn this year. - Red Sosandar suit resembling the Joker as portrayed by Joaquin Phoenix
 
Massive fan of Father Pumble, Christmas Horror vibes.

1. The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance”

Labour winning the General Election and her being both smug and awkward.

2. The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor”

Limitless cinema ticket, even I found it poor value for money as someone with a job, but maybe when you have nothing to do all day it's well worth it?

3. The Full Moon award for “best chaos”

Late entry but 'guest joins Bluesky and tweets every 2 minutes for 5 days straight'

4.The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively harmful advice”

'just get four strong friends and lift the car'

5. The Facetune Award for “selfie of the year”

6. The Mission Inn Star Award for “best slop”

Puttanesca for Breakfast

7. The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie”

Reciting the poster of the previous Labour government's achievements out loud to her colleagues in the office

8. Missed Deadline Award for “most urgent item on Kacha's list” see posts by @kachoochoo for the full list in all it's fear and awe inspiring length

The Vase Bum Index, as it ever was

9. Out of the Canal and into the streets, those tenacious fraus who have had real life dealings with guest in the wild.

10. Silver Poca Plate - Honorary Frau of the year.

Carp Man

11. Least due diligence more fool you - Brand collaborators ought to know by now that she is a grifter.

Currys and the air fryers of doom

12 Humilating Traazers - most ridiculous outfit or item of clothing that guest has worn this year.

The red suit, is it possible for someone to look so smug whilst looking so tit?
 
2. The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor” - Aquarium full of tropical fish. Buying Oasis tickets up in Celerytown

3. The Full Moon award for “best chaos” - The attempted house sale. Managing to unite trans people and proud TERFs in their loathing of her when an old clip circulated of her trying to debate self-ID laws.

4.The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively harmful advice” - Soak your pasta in cold water and then microwave it. Write your tweets out in the Notes app so you can re-post them if a hacker deletes them.

5. The Facetune Award for “selfie of the year” - With this hat on she doesn't need makeup or moisturiser!

6. The Mission Inn Star Award for “best slop” - Repulsive concoction of beetroot-pickled mackerel and horseradish butter on toast

7. The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie” - Her son goes to AA meetings with her, but she won't show him AbFab because of Edina's alcoholism, but they also used Loudermilk to start conversations about addiction. Had to split up her family into separate safe houses due to the evulz hacker/stalker - or was it because of press intrusion like she said last year?

9. Out of the Canal and into the streets, those tenacious fraus who have had real life dealings with guest in the wild. - @SleevelessSlopSlinger who was explicitly told by a Daily Mail journalist that they won't expose guest in print because they are afraid of being seen as bullying a mentally ill person. There's been at least one live sighting of her this year but I can't remember who ...

10. Silver Poca Plate - Honorary Frau of the year - Darryl Jones (Tory councillor who tweeted that the Labour Party's involvement with guest wasn't a good look), Candice Brown (GBBO winner who carried the FareShare video while guest did duck all)

11. Least due diligence more fool you - Brand collaborators ought to know by now that she is a grifter. - Does the Financial Times count? Or the Labour Party?

12 Humilating Traazers - most ridiculous outfit or item of clothing that guest has worn this year. - The aforementioned baseball cap. Nigel Farage's Barbour
 
This is a late nomination that I was thinking about while ironing yesterday - for the Silva Poca Plate can we nominate Edwina Currie? Even if her appearance in the Monroeverse wasn’t in 2024.

Or perhaps give her an honorary Plate (like an honorary doctorate but better) to recognise that she had the mark of Jack from day one 🥰
 
1.The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance”
Attendance at the Southend Council public meeting where she was filmed picking her nose and rolling the outcome in her fingers.

2. The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor”
£1,000 for the checks before she was planning to buy a flat, in cash, which she later ghosted.

3. The Full Moon award for “best chaos”
Her appearance on BlueSky has been an ongoing chaos.

4.The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively harmful advice”
Spend a week creating a lot of spreadsheets and carrying out an analysis to *taps the sign* ~buy Oasis tickets. in Edinburgh. During Festival month, which is the most expensive time to go there. Much thrift. ~

I'll come back to the rest, i have a meeting at 2pm I'M BUSY.
 
1.The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance”

Council meeting Jack, literally wasting her time in the public gallery sniggering at her phone, flicking bogies and scratching herself.

2. The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor”

£35+ a month to see who’s looking at her LinkedIn plus all those Duolingo streak freezes while she pays to learn nothing whatsoever.

3. The Full Moon award for “best chaos”

The 860 hours (to create nothing of worth) crowing on BlueSky.

4.The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively harmful advice”

Keeping fish in the dark and that it’s good to have fish actively trying to escape your toxic tank 😡😡

5. The Facetune Award for “selfie of the year”

I know it’s nearly a decade old but she’s currently using the creepy giant hand photo on BlueSk as if it’s perfectly normal 😬

6. The Mission Inn Star Award for “best slop”

The disgustinglydescribed greasy beefy bone concoction that turned us all Veganish.

7. The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie”

She has a job.

8. Missed Deadline Award for “most urgent item on Kacha's list” see posts by @kachoochoo for the full list in all it's fear and awe inspiring length

The Jacinda Ardern thinkpiece VBI.

9. Out of the Canal and into the streets, those tenacious frays who have had real life dealings with guest in the wild.

The Frau who saw her walk the entire length of the high street completely unacknowledged (Disguise hat deployed? Unsmiling? Sleeves down? WFK)

10. Silver Poca Plate - Honorary Frau of the year.

CarpMan for giving us the £157k vindication that she has easy access to significant cash whilst claiming extreme poverty.

11. Least due diligence more fool you - Brand collaborators ought to know by now that she is a grifter.

That foodbank collab in which she skulked uselessly in the background and had to be helped to find a ladle. The Labour Party

12 Humilating Traazers - most ridiculous outfit or item of clothing that guest has worn this year.

Temu David Byrne with the giant Russian eyelashes.
 
1.The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance” nose picking in the council chamber

2. The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor” living in a 3 bed two storey dormer bungamansion with all its attendant running costs

3. The Full Moon award for “best chaos” not buying the £157k flat

4.The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively harmful advice” bung soup in an air fryer

5. The Facetune Award for “selfie of the year”

6. The Mission Inn Star Award for “best slop” radishes and hummus for 5am breakfast

7. The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie” that twitter was somehow auto-deleting her tweets a few days after posting, but only the recent ones after May.

8. Missed Deadline Award for “most urgent item on Kacha's list” see posts by @kachoochoo for the full list in all it's fear and awe inspiring length VBI obvs

9. Out of the Canal and into the streets, those tenacious fraus who have had real life dealings with guest in the wild.

10. Silver Poca Plate - Honorary Frau of the year.

11. Least due diligence more fool you - Brand collaborators ought to know by now that she is a grifter. Cllr Matt Dent (Lab)

12 Humilating Traazers - most ridiculous outfit or item of clothing that guest has worn this year. The hair in the Currys advert


Please feel free to suggest other categories, edits or anything else you like. When I've had enough nominations I'll work on the Sloppies proper.
[/QUOTE]
 
1.The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance” - Nose picking at the council meeting

2. The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor” - wasting £1,000 on fees for Carpman's flat

4.The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively harmful advice” - "Just get four strong men an pick the car up"

7. The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie” - That she is now a data nerd

8. Missed Deadline Award for “most urgent item on Kacha's list” see posts by @kachoochoo for the full list in all it's fear and awe inspiring length. Gotta be the VBI yet again

10. Silver Poca Plate - Honorary Frau of the year. Carpman, obv

12 Humilating Traazers - most ridiculous outfit or item of clothing that guest has worn this year. The red suit, by a country mile
 
1.The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance”

Being live in the council chambers when it's streamed online whilst making herself look stupid.

2. The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor”

Oasis tickets in Edinburgh, during the festival.

3. The Full Moon award for “best chaos”

The flat non-purchase for ~reasons~

4.The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively harmful advice”

Eating dog biscuits for likes on social media

5. The Facetune Award for “selfie of the year”

Bluesky picture

6. The Mission Inn Star Award for “best slop”

All of them? Any of them eaten with fingers and / or in bed.

Actual nomination, this mess from recent times showing no clue of ingredient matching or simple, cheap fodder:
Tiny bits of sausage. Onion. Celery. Carrots. Garlic. Butter. Salt. Pepper. Mixed herbs. Fennel. Chilli. Chicken stock. Rigatoni. Canned tomatoes. Cream. Mozzarella. Mature cheddar. Fresh parsley. Dinner.


7. The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie”

Someone selectively deleting tweets

8. Missed Deadline Award for “most urgent item on Kacha's list” see posts by @kachoochoo for the full list in all it's fear and awe inspiring length

VBI with a good pinch of Jacinda Arden, followed by a fat clove of granola

9. Out of the Canal and into the streets, those tenacious fraus who have had real life dealings with guest in the wild.

Did someone see her recently - whoever that was, I'm way too BUSY to check

10. Silver Poca Plate - Honorary Frau of the year.

The people in the office job

11. Least due diligence more fool you - Brand collaborators ought to know by now that she is a grifter.

Fair share for not using Google

12 Humilating Traazers - most ridiculous outfit or item of clothing that guest has worn this year.

The red election suit. The description of a 2 decade old hat plus sunnies was tempting but we have no visual confirmation of that
 
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