Jack Monroe #129 Jack, could we have a quick chat?

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Pocahontas

Pocahontas

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Congratulations to @blurstoftimes for the thread title! 🎉. A whopping 135 reactions last time I checked. You know what this means. You’ve gone viral.

Recap of thread #128

  1. No furlough, Jack cry. What a sad little face.
  2. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Marcus.
  3. Her begging hour drew dividends.
  4. She has a housemate whose finances she doesn’t want to discuss, and she also had a ‘friend who was staying with her for a bit’ ... but doesn’t live with Jack anymore, only the housemate does.
  5. She had a sleep and then caught up with what was going on in the US. Hot take Jack!
  6. She deleted a lot of tweets.
  7. She was speaking in Arabic. 1G?
  8. Her agent wants to speak to her.
  9. She’s starting a movement. Thunder, thunder, thunderCLAP.
  10. All her dreams came true. ThunderclapForCarers was trending #1 on Twitter. Very, very viral.
  11. Twitter is the one thing she ‘can always do.’ ‘I swear to god when death finally comes for me my right index finger will be clinging onto life for a good hour longer than everything else, jabbing away at my phone screen.’ Funnily enough, I believe her.
  12. Thunderclap is the new long covid.
  13. Guys, it was HER idea.
  14. [*]
    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

    *** JACKISMS ***

    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

    Yes, absolutely x

    Some other favourite Jack quotes:

    ‘Babe, same’
    ‘I did a chaos’
    ‘My maverick brain’
    ‘My sad little face’
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    ‘I laughed up a lung’

    ** NEW **
    ‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.

    She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’

    As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.

    *****

    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

    Also:
    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
    • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
    [*]
    Use the pink link tab at the top of the thread to find Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, where you will find all episodes of Daily Kitchen Live.

    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

    • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
    [*][*]
 
Great recap as always Pocahontas, thank (space) you.

I will not be emailing my mp every week as

1. She has enough to do already (I know we pay them etc)
2. she's very good
3. I do email her whenever it's something she can help me with, and I always get a very thoughtful response
4. not sure if her admin person is in furlough at the mo
And...
5. She worked in the nhs for donkeys years, and it's something she is actively already involved with, why bombard her with spam, or should that be grated corned beef?

That's all, as your were

(lovely feet @Ladderedtights and many congratulations, I hope it was as swift and as pain free as these things can be)
 
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Sorry to drag this boring dead content into a new thread lol but firstly mega congrats @Ladderedtights enjoy that beautiful new baby smell and all the sleepy chest cuddles 😍😭


Yel said:
Yep, but she must be taking it out of the company account and stuffing it into her personal one. Otherwise it'll show on the company balance sheet and she can't use it, is my understanding.

Or has her time with the west London elite hooked her up with some fancy tax avoidance contacts? I'm not sure how that all works as I don't earn nearly enough😆. Is she like take that and pretending she's selling second hand cars?

Something somewhere is very fishy, and jack seems just like the type to do performative posts about paying nurses more while aggressively paying as little tax as possible. But that's just my opinion jack, don't come at me with your 100% liable success rate 🤣
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On dodgy accountants - it’s not really a thing anymore (this is obvs just in our experience) as everyone’s been caught out so no one bothers *at this level of income* - undoubtedly the family office / genuinely wealthy have their efficient ways lol.

Ime the biggest thing they propose now is do you have a missus / do you trust her type tit to get out of paying their ex wives / children in instance of separation. We know a lot of people who’ve been majorly / rightfully stung by HMRC after participating in schemes that were recommended to them but retrospectively they clamped down on (ala Jimmy Carr I believe?) and owed hundreds of thousands and they’re all bitter as their wives either left or now hate them. One paid 18 years x 2 of school fees directly from a limited which is bad bad and he knows he’s fucked.

Jack isn’t earning obscene money tbh, like it’s a LOT for the quality of output yes but she’s not gonna be packing £1k bundles to her body and flying over to her nearest tax haven ala wolf of Wall Street anytime soon? She’s probably rinses allowable expenses to the max (Apple, work phone, company travel, luxury food staging bits from JL) but most do. Agreed it doesn’t make sense that she’d pay several grand a year in accountancy fees for a VAT reg ltd to just take home £23k. She’s likely declaring an above min wage PAYE salary and taking the rest as dividends, don’t think she’s sat on a milli from the diva cos she’s a compulsive spender. Imagine how much tit you have to acquire to require a bleeping skip after one year in a property?
 
Oh no, now the French can think we're crap...again! 🥐🥖

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Hey Jack, there might be a small person that needs home schooling/feeding lurking in the background. Or perhaps Cooper will do it. 😀
 
heretoreaditall2019 said:
Sorry to drag this boring dead content into a new thread lol but firstly mega congrats @Ladderedtights enjoy that beautiful new baby smell and all the sleepy chest cuddles 😍😭




On dodgy accountants - it’s not really a thing anymore (this is obvs just in our experience) as everyone’s been caught out so no one bothers *at this level of income* - undoubtedly the family office / genuinely wealthy have their efficient ways lol.

Ime the biggest thing they propose now is do you have a missus / do you trust her type tit to get out of paying their ex wives / children in instance of separation. We know a lot of people who’ve been majorly / rightfully stung by HMRC after participating in schemes that were recommended to them but retrospectively they clamped down on (ala Jimmy Carr I believe?) and owed hundreds of thousands and they’re all bitter as their wives either left or now hate them. One paid 18 years x 2 of school fees directly from a limited which is bad bad and he knows he’s fucked.

Jack isn’t earning obscene money tbh, like it’s a LOT for the quality of output yes but she’s not gonna be packing £1k bundles to her body and flying over to her nearest tax haven ala wolf of Wall Street anytime soon? She’s probably rinses allowable expenses to the max (Apple, work phone, company travel, luxury food staging bits from JL) but most do. Agreed it doesn’t make sense that she’d pay several grand a year in accountancy fees for a VAT reg ltd to just take home £23k. She’s likely declaring an above min wage PAYE salary and taking the rest as dividends, don’t think she’s sat on a milli from the diva cos she’s a compulsive spender. Imagine how much tit you have to acquire to require a bleeping skip after one year in a property?
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Thank you @heretoreaditall2019 this is 100% the forensic level of bullshit filtering, detection and explanation I am here for!
 
So in a best case scenario the MP's are bombarded with mail which may lead to a tiny, more symbolic than truly life changing pay rise for nurses whilst the so-called creator bleeds every last drop of fame and fortune for personal gain.

She's been watching, through gritted teeth the success that MR has had and this is her opportunity - she fails to realise that Rashford was doing good from a pure place in his heart and whilst maintaining a hectic football career where as she, already within 24hours, has branded it, promoted it in a newspaper with her name prominent and is, as we speak, policing twitter to make sure that in every single mention the credit and engagement goes to HER.

One wishes all the best to the nurses, there is literally nothing more shameful in modern society than making under payed health professionals pay for their own parking at work but, on this occasion they may better served waiting for the next hashtag to come along.
 
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Oofadoofa said:
So in a best case scenario the MP's are bombarded with mail which may lead to a tiny, more symbolic than truly life changing pay rise for nurses whilst he so-called creator bleeds every last drop of fame and fortune for personal gain.

She's been watching, through gritted teeth the success that MR has had and this is her opportunity - she fails to realise that Rashford was doing good from a pure place in his heart and whilst maintaining a hectic football career where as she, already within 24hours, has branded it, promoted it in a newspaper with her name prominent and is, as we speak, policing twitter to make sure that in every single mention the credit and engagement goes to HER.

One wishes all the best to the nurses, there is literally more shameful in modern society than making under payed health professionals pay for their own parking at work but, on this occasion they may better served waiting for the next hashtag to come along.
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I told my mum ( the nurse about it) she's not on twitter. She said thats not new that was what we all said the first time round, don't clap, give us a pay rise and stay safe.

My mum liker her mum is an northern Irish woman and also said, why not email the pm rather than the lackies. He the man in charge of the tit show.
 
Didnt she want to be an MP herself? Surely that would create more change than spamming your local MP, making them waste their time trawling through hundreds of identical emails. She'd also get a steady income and (minor, local) fame. The dream.

It would, of course, mean real work . Not sure her constituents would appreciate the constant sickies and passive aggressive IM BUSY tweets
 
Mogmog said:
Didnt she want to be an MP herself? Surely that would create more change than spamming your local MP, making them waste their time trawling through hundreds of identical emails. She'd also get a steady income and (minor, local) fame. The dream.

It would, of course, mean real work . Not sure her constituents would appreciate the constant sickies and passive aggressive IM BUSY tweets
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She could never be an MP, bc it would mean the press and public taking a closer look at all her lies claims. Believe it or not, she’s too dishonest to even be a politician!
 
Oofadoofa said:
She's been watching, through gritted teeth the success that MR has had and this is her opportunity - she fails to realise that Rashford was doing good from a pure place in his heart and whilst maintaining a hectic football career where as she, already within 24hours, has branded it, promoted it in a newspaper with her name prominent and is, as we speak, policing twitter to make sure that in every single mention the credit and engagement goes to HER.
Click to expand...
I love that she popped up with her "that might be me" response to one individual who was unaware of her greatness. Meerkat Jack.

I just wish I could think she was being genuine about this hashtag crusade. Seems ungracious that I can't. 😞
 
Walkdengirl said:
I've got Bob marley going through my head now, it fits it perfectly. anyone fancy having a go at new lyrics to no women no cry to fit our smol goblin?
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You do know I'M BUSY, don't you?




No furlough I cry
No furlough I cry
No furlough I cry
No furlough I cry

Cause I remember when we used to sit
In my leafy yard in Southend
Observing the hypocrite
Tweet with the good people we scam
Bluetickers we have, oh, Squiggles we have lost
Along the way
In this great future,
You can't forget my past
So flow your tears, I say

Go Patreon I cry
Go Ko-fi I cry
Little smol one, my shed is clear
Go fund me I cry

Said I remember when we use to sit
In my leafy yard in Southend
And then Cooper would make the fire lights
I say, mouses burnin' through the nights
Then we would cook cornmeal porridge
Of which I'll share with you Christ, no

My poor, ouchy, broken in a thousand places feet is my only carriage except for rail ones, obvs
And so I've got to push on thru,
Oh, while I'm gone
Nothin's gonna be alright
Nothin's gonna be alright
I'm on my Twitter for the whole damn night
Wanting my Patreons to treat me right

To Patreons I lie
To chopped livers, bye bye
Kid say 'More jam Mama'
I'll shed fake tears
And #thankyou #fuckoff, bye bye.
 
Mogmog said:
Didnt she want to be an MP herself? Surely that would create more change than spamming your local MP, making them waste their time trawling through hundreds of identical emails. She'd also get a steady income and (minor, local) fame. The dream.

It would, of course, mean real work . Not sure her constituents would appreciate the constant sickies and passive aggressive IM BUSY tweets
Click to expand...

Dear Jack Monroe MP,

I'm a constituent of yours, resident at 23 Railway Cuttings, East Cheam. I want to voice my concerns about the amount of time it's taking to complete the roadworks outside my house (situated on the A182683837) and the often dangerous state the pavements are left in at the end of the working day. I'd be grateful if you could look into this for me. I'm 65 years old, and have mobility issues. My wife is also in poor health, and daily walks are our means of getting out and about and staying fit.

Kindest regards
Mr and Mrs R Insed-Bean

Dear Mr and Mrs Bean,

I'm suffering from severe burnout and am extremely and severely unwell at the moment. Are you not aware of all the work I do with hashtags on Twitter? Please bear with me as I recover from covid and regain my sense of taste and gently, softly, slowly come to terms with living in a rented bungalow. Hard relate and you got this.

Jack Monroe (MP for Little Pixie on the Hashtag)
 
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